So my first thought was to write about internet dating again…but this time from the men’s perspective. I’ve had a number of folks email me to suggest I should do that…so I went out searching for the male equivalent of the internet dating horror stories that I came up with a while back on the women’s side of the ledger.
And what did I find? Well, either women are more picky (be nice!) or more creative (calm down, men), or men just have lower expectations (I hate to think it!). Now, don’t get me wrong…I found some good stories out there, I really did…and I will tell you what I found. But the overwhelming number of internet dating horror stories are told by women. Could it be that men are just that out of touch with what women want (or in some cases, just out of touch with freaking reality)? Or perhaps men just don’t want to admit to their horrific encounters? Is there some secret “guy code” that says you show weakness if you admit you’ve been duped by a bad date? Personally, I find it very hard to believe there are not as many horrific tales about women as there are about men…because, let’s face it, some women can be a freak show. We’ve all seen them.
Okay, so here are a couple of the stories I found from the men.
· The woman who fails to mention she has a beard – a full beard. Yeah, this one isn’t pretty. Honey, get a razor, get a wax, get a sex change…something, anything! But do NOT go out in public with one foot in each camp. Make a clear choice! If a beard works for you, go with it—but lose the boobs and the makeup. Eyeliner does not go with a beard…they clash!!!
· She is so paranoid that the first date can’t even be a coffee date—it’s an online date but with food at both ends. HUH? Okay, this one had me scratching my head. Apparently this woman was so freaked out over the risk of meeting someone new (even in public) that she insisted the first date be a Skype date. They could both bring their brown bag lunches and they could break bread together, over the internet. No touching, no kissing, no risk………………..and no freaking FUN! This one just makes me ashamed for womankind. Cowgirl up! Grab your purse, grab your car keys, grab your mace, and grab your spurs (okay, maybe not for the first date). But for the love of God, step out from behind the keyboard and live a little. Meet the guy, look him in the eye, touch his hand and see if your skin crawls or you get butterflies. Live life. Don’t let it zoom by you like you’re high-centered on the median!
· The date that stuffs a finger up her nose and pops a bugger in her mouth. I don’t even know what to say to this one. The curious thing is that this was a dinner date. Maybe he should have asked her where she wanted to go for dinner. Perhaps she was starving and didn’t like Chinese? Okay, you’re right…I can’t make this one work…no way, no how. As long as she has fingers, this will be a train wreck. Run, Mister!
· The date that keeps checking her reflection in her dinner spoon. Some girls need to learn how to keep a compact in their purse. Checking your reflection in the spoon is bad form…and it makes your eyes look buggy and your nose crooked. Does NOTHING for your self-image. Refrain! If you have to use a utensil, go with the knife…nice and straight and makes you look tall and skinny. What? This is my story…you get your own.
· The girl who shows up 150 pounds heavier than her profile picture. (Just so you know, this was overwhelmingly the number one complaint from men. Overwhelmingly!) Okay, so this one needs a bit of an interpreter. First off, she was probably only 120 pounds heavier…you know how men like to exaggerate. Second, she was probably a very nice girl…you know how shallow men can be. (LOL…no hate mail, please…that was a joke.) But all that said, I get that there wasn’t a “click” for this guy…not everyone is a “match”. Be honest right up front and the guy who answers your ad will be a guy who’s interested in the real you, who you are TODAY. And if you show up and you look like your profile pic, there won’t be any need for him to whip out your profile picture and yell “that is the woman I was expecting. Did you eat her?” Now, that’s ugly! Avoid the scene, use a real picture.
· The woman whose picture shows her standing next to Jimmy Hendrix, wearing bell bottoms and flashing a peace sign. Ladies, while this might seem cute, it is NOT going to get you the results you want. Do NOT put out a picture from the 60’s unless you want a tall, skinny man with an afro and round pink glasses, pork chop sideburns, bell bottoms, platform shoes, named Zeus, who smokes grass from sunup to sundown. I don’t care that it was when you looked your best. He’s not going to date the woman you were back then; he wants to know the woman you are today. Put out a current picture and expect the same from him. Then if you don’t mesh, there’s no shame on either side. So what if you’re not as svelte and hot as you were in 1969? Neither is he! You’re looking for a “match”, not the guy who thinks he’s a 10 settling for a 3. Besides, it’s more fun to be the pretty one!
· The date who orders an expensive lunch she won’t eat because she’s sure it’s been contaminated. Really? This one is just plain weird. She’s either defective or she’s got some “inside” information that the rest of us are not privy to. Either way, I say take a pass. Defective is a lot of work and inside information is sometimes best not known. I’m betting if you checked her closet, you’d find a collection of tin foil hats.
· If her profile photo has clearly been cropped to eliminate the guy whose arm is still around her shoulders and she’s still wearing her wedding band……hmmm. Everyone at WalMart has a cell phone camera but she doesn’t own one? She couldn’t hand hers to a stranger and ask them to snap a new pic? Something sans the old boyfriend or ex-husband? Either this one is lying, too dysfunctional to operate a camera, or still damaged from just getting off the roller coaster. I say take a pass…nothing good will come of this. Same applies for the girls out there. Don’t make excuses for why his pic still has a wedding ring in it. If he’s too dysfunctional to take a new picture, he’s still carrying a brick phone, driving a twenty year old beater that smokes to high heaven, using an old Commodore 64 for a computer (he’s logging into your profile from the library), and he lives in the country where he leaves his sliding door open so the dogs and burro can come inside to get out of the heat. Run!
Now, with all that said, I ran across some fabulous new “honorable mentions” on the woman’s side of the ledger that I cannot leave alone. I’m going to have to mention them simply because they are freaking mind-boggling.
First honorable mention is the guy who managed to impress the girl enough that he actually got her into bed with him. She wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of running water, only to look across the room and see her new “hottie” in the corner of the room (apparently sleep walking), peeing all over her stuff. WTF! The walk of shame is bad enough, but if you have to do it with pee-stained stuff in your hand or without your stuff because you’re not stupid enough to pick it up after that, it’s a REAL long and miserable walk!
Second honorable mention goes to the gal who meets a guy for drinks and dinner, only to have him resort to baby-talk and trying to cut her meat for her after a few martinis. She freaks and goes to the bathroom, where the waitress intercepts her after witnessing the dude place a pacifier on her plate as a little “gift” for when she returns. There is a special place in Heaven for waitresses who will sneak you out through the kitchen!
And last, but not least, a huge honorable mention goes out to the guy who is a dedicated cat lover. He meets the girl of his dreams and, again, gets lucky enough to get her into an intimate situation on the couch. But his performance seems to be hindered. By what, you might ask? Well, by the…er…location. So Lucky Guy convinces Girl-O-His-Dreams to move into the bedroom where they can be more comfy and he can rise to maximum performance standards. So they relocate to the bedroom, which seems to be Cat Condo Central. Kitties all assume their positions at the top of the cat condos to watch and voile, Lucky Guy is suddenly a rock star. Eeeew! Thank God this woman ran! If she’d stayed around to the finale, I might have had to throw up on my new purple boots!
So there are two morals to this story. First, it is NEVER too late to run. If things get dicey, don’t stick around to see how many bodies they pull out of the wreckage…run like the freaking wind! Second, always carry a $100 bill in your purse if you are internet dating. You never know when you might need it for bribes, cab fare, new clothes, or a tip for a Heaven-sent waitress.
That’s my story, mind-boggling and mind-numbing, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!