Hey gang, how are ya’all? I hope everyone here is doing
outstanding. I know I am!
So…my question today
relates to what kind of sleeper are you?
Are you a TOSSER or a CHILLER? In
other words, do you toss and turn all night, or are you the person who lays
down in bed and basically crashes where you drop.
I have friends who seem
to be able to sleep anywhere, anytime, any which way. It doesn’t matter if they
are in a bed, in a chair, sitting at the dining room table, on the floor, or in
the car waiting at a stoplight. They sit still for two minutes, and they are
out. Some snore, some don’t. Some sleep with their eyes fully closed, some even
sleep with their eyes partially open—which really creeps out those of us who
are awake, tossing, turning, looking around in frustration, and suddenly focused
on someone snoring with half-lidded eyeballs.
Some people have an uncanny
ability to lay down in bed and are immediately asleep—where they remain in REM for
the entire night, in the same position, without making a peep or even having to
get up to pee. I’m not kidding…I’ve seen it! How you ask, if I’m asleep? Well, that’s
easy. I’m not.
I’m a TOSSER of the
greatest order. I can only sleep if I’m in my bed, under extremely soft sheets
and a blanket that doesn’t feel fuzzy, with at least six pillows of various
heights and softness (at least 2 of which have to be real down), no TV, no
radio, no lights from a digital alarm clock, in almost total darkness, in a
chilly room (66 degrees is my sweet spot), with an industrial strength fan
going to drown out any noises, move the air around, and provide some “white
noise” to drift off to.
The bed must be soft, but
with good underlying support, and a cushy four-inch memory foam mattress pad on
top, covered with a thick down-like mattress pad. My bed is so tall from all
the cushioning that I have to climb up into it and roll out (carefully). It’s like a bad rerun of The Princess and the
Even then, it’s still a freakin’
crapshoot. Perhaps the air is too thin at that elevation.
Phase 1 (The Optimist)…I generally start out on
my right side because that’s my preferred sleep position, but then my legs
start to go to sleep from something I need to have checked out in my back. So,
I fluff and reposition my pillows to redo the nest as I turn onto my left side,
which is my next favorite sleep position. Still no bueno. Then I angrily reposition
all the pillows again as I flip onto my back, which is my least favorite position
but offers the best potential for sleep. About ten minutes of shifting my butt,
legs, feet, arms, head, and shoulders may or may not result in a comfy
position. If it does, chances are fair that I might fall asleep. If not, then it’s time to level-up.
Phase 2 (The Realist)…I reposition two of my
pillows so that I can turn my body to lay catty-corner across the bed, again on
my right side. From this orientation, I start back from the beginning, going
from the right side, to the left side, to my back, adjusting and fluffing pillows at
each shift—then rinse and repeat. About the third time through Phase 2, I
decide it’s time for more drastic measures.
Phase 3 (The Desperate)…Get up to pee because by
now, it’s been a couple of hours and I have about a 2-hour bladder. On my way
back from the bathroom, I start rummaging through the OTC drugs spread out on
my bathroom vanity. Depending on how late it is or what I have going on in the
morning, I may be able to opt for a Benadryl, or another Melatonin (I already
took three 3-mg tabs before I went to bed), or some sinus or cold medicine, or
if something hurts maybe some Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen. Phase 3 is the hard-core
phase where desperation starts to set in.
Phase 4 (The Hopeless)…At this point, I’ve lost
the will to live. I’ve tried every position known to man (or woman), all of the
pillows have been fluffed and beaten within an inch of their lives, the
blankets are crumpled in a heap, the sheets are pulling out around the edges,
and almost every hand or foot is hanging off some part of the bed—some under
the covers, some out—and I’m exercising every curse word I can think of…out
loud. This is where I finally give up on the idea that I will ever sleep again.
At this point, I settle for trying to calm my body and just resting until it’s
time to get up.
Phase 5 (The Weary)…This comes about four in
the morning when I finally drift off to sleep, only to wake at six to pee. Then
I go back to the beginning and repeat Phase 1 and can sometimes go back to sleep until
seven or eight, when I drag myself out of bed and make my way to the kitchen in
search of a cup o’ Joe.
And people ask me why I
drink so damn much coffee. Why? Because I have worked my ass off all night
trying to get some very elusive shuteye. My level of dysfunction while
uncaffeinated is legendary…and this is why.
I am the poster child for the phrase, “no rest for the weary.” Also, no
surprise that I sleep alone. LOL
So, how about you? Do you
sleep so soundly and remain so still that people are tempted to hold a mirror
to your nose to check for signs of life? Do you set an alarm just to turn over,
so no one is tempted to bury you? Or are you the one who spends the entire
night doing everything imaginable, except sleeping—making and remaking your
nest, and using every square inch of your California King bed?
Well, folks, let’s all
cross our fingers that Kayce finds that sweet spot quickly tonight because it’s
been a thirteen-hour workday and I could use some decent shuteye. Last night was
a cold medicine night, so I’m hoping for better this night. Perhaps I’ll go set
up the coffee pot tonight, so I’m not so challenged in the morning.
A couple of mornings ago
I was making coffee and when I picked up the coffeemaker to move it back into
position, I almost threw it across the kitchen because it was unexpectedly
light. Strangely, my first thought was that it had come unplugged. But surprisingly,
the cord on those units isn’t as heavy as you might think. Then I poured the
water into it. Works a lot better that way.
That’s my story, sleepy
and stupid, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real,
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