HUGE THANKS to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News for their permission to re-post this column originally written for their publication.
Hey there. It’s me, Kayce Lassiter, and y’all are lookin’ happy as a slick tick on a fat dog. Tickled to see ya here. So, let’s help out some folks wrestling with a heart issue.
Mares: I want a tall, slim cowboy with a deep voice, full head of hair, sexy in Wranglers, can two-step, and makes my heart flutter. Where do I find one of those?
Oooh, that’s a damn tall order. If you’re looking for a guy in the age range where men generally still have their own teeth, hang out anywhere they have horses or livestock. Cowboys and hooves go together. Finding a good set of Wranglers is easy, and you’ll know pretty quick if your heart flutters at his cockeyed smile and “My pleasure,” in a bone-melting Sam Elliott voice. But finding a good head of hair is tougher. You’ll have to get him to take his hat off, without knocking it off. Don’t do that—it won’t end well! Make this a negotiating point to offset a weakness of yours, or a compromise to get those flutters. Sliding your hands over that chrome dome is just as sensual as running your hands through a full head of hair. Give it a whirl. On the flip-side…Unicorn hunting is easier if you’re not set on a young ‘un. Hang out in the waiting room of a medical practitioner specializing in geriatrics or dentures. Arrive early to snag two seats up front—your butt in one, your purse in the other. When the right man shows up, offer him the empty seat. He’ll be grateful not to have to walk too far, and you’ll have a captive audience. Be quick! Not only will the nurse call him pretty soon, but daylight’s a burnin’ on that lifespan. As for the two-steppin’—life’s full of tradeoffs.
Studs: The gals I date only want me for my money. How do I find a sweet girl who wants the real man beneath the Stetson?
If you are using your money as bait, you’re catching exactly what you’re going after. Fish with your heart and your smile, and you’ll get a whole different catch. Before you head out fishing, be sure you know what a sweet girl looking for a real man looks like—she may not be the prettiest girl in the pond. She might be the one floating alone in the shadows. The best fish aren’t always the ones sparkling in shallow waters. For a better catch, know what you’re fishing for and change your bait. On the flip-side…If this sounds like a lot of work, stick to the sparkling fish in the shallow waters. You might get lucky just through sheer numbers. You’ll only churn up a lot of mud fishing at the deep end.
That’s my story, fantabulous and fishy, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!
If there are any questions you would like to see addressed in this column in the future, post them in the comments of this post. Or you can Email or Messenger them to me at one of the links below.
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