Kissin’ Toads on Froggy Friday.

Hi y’all…how you doing this fine Friday?  Good, I hope.  Well, here I am again wondering what to blog about, so I was cruising the internet looking for quotes or signs or whatever that might be cute or funny to talk about.  So I started trolling for maybe some dating stories or funny sayings about dating, and lo and behold, I ran across an old saying we’ve all heard a thousand times before—

You have to kiss a lot of frogs…before you find your prince.

(Yes...I know that's a picture of a toad and not a frog...but they are kissing cousins, so I figure it's close enough.  Besides, this little story applies to both frogs AND toads.)

So after finding that initial quote, I then ran across a whole boatload of  frog stuff out on the internet…who knew frogs were so damn popular?!  But you all know I’m single and have been doing the internet dating thing for a while, so what really caught my eye were some variations on that saying, so I took some notes and here are more frog quotes.

I’d say the woman who came up with this jewel has had the same kind of luck I’ve had…

You have to kiss a lot of frogs…before you find a prince.  Also snakes, rats, baboons, dirty dogs and slippery fish!

…and a slightly different version of the same thing from another woman whose luck sucks…

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince…or in my case, frogs, lizards, snakes, chameleons.

…and this one just seems like good, old-fashioned sage advice…

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, but no need to kiss the pigs and dogs.

Works for me!  But, in all fairness, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference.  LOL

Then I ran across a couple where I think these women might have gotten a bit carried away…maybe they lost touch with the concept of a kiss…

First they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince…and then they call you a slut.

Seems a bit harsh.

I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince, but blowing them seems a bit desperate.

Uh…okay, that one speaks for itself.  LOL  I think that girl needs to take a break from the dating sites.

This next one might have a shot at being the next new Avon slogan…

You have to kiss a lot of frogs…before you find a good lip balm. 

And when all is said and done and you’ve dodged kisses from the pigs and dogs, managed to avoid being called a slut, and found the world’s best lip balm, it just might be possible that you still haven’t found that prince.  And when that happens…

You have to kiss a lot of frogs…before you realize they’re all frogs.

Yep, sometimes a kiss is just a kiss and sometimes a frog is just a damn frog.

But not me…I’m the eternal optimist.  So before I end this little journey through frogland, I must share my personal favorites…

Frogs—never give up…ever.

Frogs…so many, so few princes.  (Ain’t that the truth!)

Real Princesses don’t kiss toads.  

I’d like to believe that last one.  But just between you and me, I think they’re lying. 

Oh, and I did take a little side trip to the Urban Dictionary and looked up frog just for fun.  Damn, some of those things were downright scary or icky (feel free to google them, because I'm not listing them here)…but I did find this little tidbit of information.  Did you know there is something called a Frog Kiss?  Yep, and the Urban Dictionary defines it as:

frog kiss

a type of kiss in which two partners face each other and flick their tongues in and out of their mouths in unison. When put out, the tongues touch each other. The resulting tongue movement and noise resembles a frog flicking its tongue in and out of its mouth (to catch bugs): hence the title "frog kiss."

Karen didn't want to smudge her lipstick, so she and Karl frog kissed. It looked kinda funny but cute.   

Eeeewwww!  Not funny...not cute!

And I also found this little gem—

near miss frog kiss

is defined as coming close to making a choice that would have been wrong for you. It’s based on the old saying, “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your Prince Charming!”  

Now I ask you, who out there has not had a “near miss frog kiss”?  Yep, I figured that.  But love is what we're all looking for.  And for the optimist, Prince Charming is just around the next corner, or maybe on the next lily pad over.  So…if you’re single and looking and are, like me, an eternal optimist—then you’ve just gotta do what a girl’s gotta do…hop over onto that lily pad and... 

Pucker up!


You never know when the frog on the next lily pad just might turn out to be a drop-dead gorgeous, funny, sexy, smart, wealthy prince in a jacked-up Ford truck!

Well, that’s my Froggy Friday story, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya

Kayce               

Internet Dating Is Not For Sissies!

Okay, I was cruising the internet the other night looking for ideas—anything that might plant a seed of thought for this week’s blog.  Because…I know, shocker…I’m again stumped for anything to write about.  Being stumped is sort of a hobby of mine.  LOL  It’s what I do best, so I do it often.

So my first thought was to write about internet dating again…but this time from the men’s perspective.  I’ve had a number of folks email me to suggest I should do that…so I went out searching for the male equivalent of the internet dating horror stories that I came up with a while back on the women’s side of the ledger.

And what did I find?  Well, either women are more picky (be nice!) or more creative (calm down, men), or men just have lower expectations (I hate to think it!).  Now, don’t get me wrong…I found some good stories out there, I really did…and I will tell you what I found.  But the overwhelming number of internet dating horror stories are told by women.  Could it be that men are just that out of touch with what women want (or in some cases, just out of touch with freaking reality)?  Or perhaps men just don’t want to admit to their horrific encounters?  Is there some secret “guy code” that says you show weakness if you admit you’ve been duped by a bad date?  Personally, I find it very hard to believe there are not as many horrific tales about women as there are about men…because, let’s face it, some women can be a freak show.  We’ve all seen them.

Okay, so here are a couple of the stories I found from the men.

·       The woman who fails to mention she has a beard – a full beard.  Yeah, this one isn’t pretty.  Honey, get a razor, get a wax, get a sex change…something, anything!  But do NOT go out in public with one foot in each camp.  Make a clear choice!  If a beard works for you, go with it—but lose the boobs and the makeup.  Eyeliner does not go with a beard…they clash!!!

·       She is so paranoid that the first date can’t even be a coffee date—it’s an online date but with food at both ends.  HUH?  Okay, this one had me scratching my head.  Apparently this woman was so freaked out over the risk of meeting someone new (even in public) that she insisted the first date be a Skype date.  They could both bring their brown bag lunches and they could break bread together, over the internet.  No touching, no kissing, no risk………………..and no freaking FUN!  This one just makes me ashamed for womankind.  Cowgirl up!  Grab your purse, grab your car keys, grab your mace, and grab your spurs (okay, maybe not for the first date).  But for the love of God, step out from behind the keyboard and live a little.  Meet the guy, look him in the eye, touch his hand and see if your skin crawls or you get butterflies.  Live life.  Don’t let it zoom by you like you’re high-centered on the median!

·       The date that stuffs a finger up her nose and pops a bugger in her mouth.  I don’t even know what to say to this one.  The curious thing is that this was a dinner date.  Maybe he should have asked her where she wanted to go for dinner.  Perhaps she was starving and didn’t like Chinese?  Okay, you’re right…I can’t make this one work…no way, no how.  As long as she has fingers, this will be a train wreck.  Run, Mister!

·       The date that keeps checking her reflection in her dinner spoon.  Some girls need to learn how to keep a compact in their purse.  Checking your reflection in the spoon is bad form…and it makes your eyes look buggy and your nose crooked.  Does NOTHING for your self-image.  Refrain!  If you have to use a utensil, go with the knife…nice and straight and makes you look tall and skinny.  What?  This is my story…you get your own.

·       The girl who shows up 150 pounds heavier than her profile picture.  (Just so you know, this was overwhelmingly the number one complaint from men.  Overwhelmingly!)  Okay, so this one needs a bit of an interpreter.  First off, she was probably only 120 pounds heavier…you know how men like to exaggerate.  Second, she was probably a very nice girl…you know how shallow men can be.  (LOL…no hate mail, please…that was a joke.)  But all that said, I get that there wasn’t a “click” for this guy…not everyone is a “match”.  Be honest right up front and the guy who answers your ad will be a guy who’s interested in the real you, who you are TODAY.  And if you show up and you look like your profile pic, there won’t be any need for him to whip out your profile picture and yell “that is the woman I was expecting.  Did you eat her?”  Now, that’s ugly!  Avoid the scene, use a real picture.

·       The woman whose picture shows her standing next to Jimmy Hendrix, wearing bell bottoms and flashing a peace sign.  Ladies, while this might seem cute, it is NOT going to get you the results you want.  Do NOT put out a picture from the 60’s unless you want a tall, skinny man with an afro and round pink glasses, pork chop sideburns, bell bottoms, platform shoes, named Zeus, who smokes grass from sunup to sundown.  I don’t care that it was when you looked your best.  He’s not going to date the woman you were back then; he wants to know the woman you are today.  Put out a current picture and expect the same from him.  Then if you don’t mesh, there’s no shame on either side.  So what if you’re not as svelte and hot as you were in 1969?  Neither is he!  You’re looking for a “match”, not the guy who thinks he’s a 10 settling for a 3.  Besides, it’s more fun to be the pretty one!

·       The date who orders an expensive lunch she won’t eat because she’s sure it’s been contaminated.  Really?  This one is just plain weird.  She’s either defective or she’s got some “inside” information that the rest of us are not privy to.  Either way, I say take a pass.  Defective is a lot of work and inside information is sometimes best not known.  I’m betting if you checked her closet, you’d find a collection of tin foil hats.

·       If her profile photo has clearly been cropped to eliminate the guy whose arm is still around her shoulders and she’s still wearing her wedding band……hmmm.  Everyone at WalMart has a cell phone camera but she doesn’t own one?  She couldn’t hand hers to a stranger and ask them to snap a new pic?  Something sans the old boyfriend or ex-husband?  Either this one is lying, too dysfunctional to operate a camera, or still damaged from just getting off the roller coaster.  I say take a pass…nothing good will come of this.  Same applies for the girls out there.  Don’t make excuses for why his pic still has a wedding ring in it.  If he’s too dysfunctional to take a new picture, he’s still carrying a brick phone, driving a twenty year old beater that smokes to high heaven, using an old Commodore 64 for a computer (he’s logging into your profile from the library), and he lives in the country where he leaves his sliding door open so the dogs and burro can come inside to get out of the heat.  Run!

Now, with all that said, I ran across some fabulous new “honorable mentions” on the woman’s side of the ledger that I cannot leave alone.  I’m going to have to mention them simply because they are freaking mind-boggling.

First honorable mention is the guy who managed to impress the girl enough that he actually got her into bed with him.  She wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of running water, only to look across the room and see her new “hottie” in the corner of the room (apparently sleep walking), peeing all over her stuff.  WTF!  The walk of shame is bad enough, but if you have to do it with pee-stained stuff in your hand or without your stuff because you’re not stupid enough to pick it up after that, it’s a REAL long and miserable walk!

Second honorable mention goes to the gal who meets a guy for drinks and dinner, only to have him resort to baby-talk and trying to cut her meat for her after a few martinis.  She freaks and goes to the bathroom, where the waitress intercepts her after witnessing the dude place a pacifier on her plate as a little “gift” for when she returns.  There is a special place in Heaven for waitresses who will sneak you out through the kitchen!

And last, but not least, a huge honorable mention goes out to the guy who is a dedicated cat lover.  He meets the girl of his dreams and, again, gets lucky enough to get her into an intimate situation on the couch.  But his performance seems to be hindered.  By what, you might ask?  Well, by the…er…location.  So Lucky Guy convinces Girl-O-His-Dreams to move into the bedroom where they can be more comfy and he can rise to maximum performance standards.  So they relocate to the bedroom, which seems to be Cat Condo Central.  Kitties all assume their positions at the top of the cat condos to watch and voile, Lucky Guy is suddenly a rock star.  Eeeew!  Thank God this woman ran!  If she’d stayed around to the finale, I might have had to throw up on my new purple boots!

So there are two morals to this story.  First, it is NEVER too late to run.  If things get dicey, don’t stick around to see how many bodies they pull out of the wreckage…run like the freaking wind!  Second, always carry a $100 bill in your purse if you are internet dating.  You never know when you might need it for bribes, cab fare, new clothes, or a tip for a Heaven-sent waitress.

That’s my story, mind-boggling and mind-numbing, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

Kayce Lassiter's Do's and Don'ts of Internet Dating

Okay, I might as well come clean, fess up, get it off my chest...I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I'm sure they have support groups for people less afflicted than me, but "Hell no, I won't go!"  I'm gonna dig in my heels and hold out until the very last minute.  I'm gonna wait until the ninth hour, until the deadline is eminent, until the adrenaline is pumping and the risk of failure is looming large.  I'm gonna walk the bleeding edge of procrastination and laugh in the face of the concept of actually scheduling a blog ahead of time.  And one day I'm going to come up totally freaking empty and have to make the walk of shame with no one to blame but myself.  But not today!  Not this week, not this girl—and I have my niece to thank for that.  Thank you, B-girl, you are a rock star!

A few years ago, I wrote a couple of blogs over on the Butterscotch Martini Girls site about some of my internet dating experiences.  Well, the saga continues and I'm still searching the internet world for the perfect man for me.  Now, mind you, I'm not looking for the perfect man—that's like dragons and unicorns—they don't exist except in our books.  I'm just looking for the one that's perfect for me.  I know...you're right...in all fairness, the perfect woman is a myth also.  But that's not the subject of this blog.  Over the last five years, I've read literally thousands of profiles and have talked to enough men to single-handedly staff a Million Man March.  Okay, that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it.

Well, as I sat here tonight staring at a blank computer screen with the panic rising like water over the Titanic, the B-girl suggested I should blog again about internet dating.  It seems my nieces never tire of hearing about the systematic humiliation of their favorite aunt.  So, why not?  My blogs are all about Life, Love, and Laughter and what's more closely aligned with that than internet dating?  But this time, I'm not going to give you all the sordid details of my dating life or describe for you the tales of a wandering minstrel that couldn't find his way to Arizona.  This time I'm just going to address this blog to those hopeful women out there who are looking to internet dating as the potential solution to all their dating woes.  If this is you, my advice is to run like the wind.  Internet dating is NOT for sissies!  It can be overwhelming as hell to go through all those profiles and try to decipher the secret code.  And make no mistake, there is a secret code and it's not documented in the FAQ's for the match site.  The only place you can learn the code is in the school of hard knocks or from a friend who's attended the school.  So...sit down, put on your seatbelt, and grab some popcorn and a soda...I'm gonna give you Kayce Lassiter's do's and don'ts of internet dating.

What are we looking for? 

• A man with an interesting profile that gives you some insight into his values and his character.
• The profile that shows a man who is appealing to the heart, as well as the eye.
• Someone with goals and interests and dreams.
• Someone willing to help support your goals and interests and dreams.
• The man who makes the reader imagine a future full of love and respect.
• A man who aligns closely with our dreams, whatever those may be.
• An individual with enough resources to not be a drain or a burden, but isn't consumed with his stuff to the detriment of his relationships.
• Honesty, happiness, laughter, intelligence, wit, common sense, and adventure embodied in male form.
• The rare man who speaks well of his ex's and isn't afraid to tell you how many there have been.

Well, girls, this ever-elusive creature can be as hard to find as a pink striped cat at a dog fight, but don't lose heart.  Just take a gander a this list and see if you don't agree that this is a pretty comprehensive list of ways to cull the herd and find a good 'un.

• If the new guy talks a little too much a little too soon about his possessions and money, supposedly in the spirit of "full disclosure", beware!  He is either lying desperate to inpress you, or loose-lipped.  None of these gets my vote for "catch of the year"...or even "catch of the day".  Swim away!
• Profiles with no pictures should have a red circle with a slash over them and a tagline that reads "Keep Out".  There is a reason there's no picture...he's probably married.  And his line about not being able to post a picture because he's an FBI agent and the bureau won't allow it...probably a load of bull.  (Believe it or not, this guy's out there.)
• If the man's picture is taken at a range of a quarter mile, but close-ups of his dog, cat, hamster, jackass, artwork, or nieces and nephews are all at point blank range, scroll on.  He's either completely incapable of operating a simple camera, has no friends, or is hiding something.  None of this bodes well for you.
• Take care with the man whose profile is full of pictures of hot little sports cars, expensive toys, exotic locations and mansions, but his profile says "facilities engineer".  He's not engineering anything...those are all things he's cleaning for someone else.
• Beware of match sites that want you to list your income level and beware of men who do.
• Men who take pictures with their herd of little fluffy, yappy dogs are either trying too hard to show you their sensitive side or are too attached to the little yappers.  Unless you enjoy sharing your bed with five dogs with fleas and bad breath, kennel this one.

• Stay away from men whose profiles have pictures of them with Hooters waitresses, cheerleaders, or Vegas showgirls.  These men are out to impress the other men on the match site.  These guys just haven't come out of the closet yet.
• Retired vs. umemployed vs. semi-retired is a very interesting dilemma.  Retired generally means retired.  Unemployed usually means unemployed, but is seldom listed.  Semi-retired, however, isn't always what it's cracked up to be.  This is the time to ask some pointed questions.  Very often, semi-retired is a euphemism for old, unemployed, broke, and can't find a job.   Make sure he is "semi-retired" with some visible means of support—other than you!
• If you run across the guy whose profile says he's 60, but his primary profile picture shows a man in his 20's giving a peace sign and wearing a moustache, sideburns, and an afro...keep on truckin'.  That's a man who spends way too much time in the past.
• If his marriage status on his profile says, "it's complicated", run for the hills!  Honesty is the best policy, but that doesn't mean "unmarried man sleeping with camel and dating woman on the side" is ever a good idea.
• If he shows up in a swimsuit for your first date, you'd better be meeting at the beach.
• The guy who asks you out on a 3rd coffee date is either terribly undecided, terribly cheap, or just plain bored and you're better than nothing.  Make yourself absent from his life.
• If the new dreamboat is loud and talks over the top of you, either he's more interested in himself than you...or he's DEAF.  Unless you know sign language, let this one slide on by.
• A man in a white shirt and a tie standing in front of an airplane isn't necessarily a pilot.
• The man who says he is "living with his elderly mother to take care of her" might be the most loving and selfless man on the planet, but it could also be code for "I'm a fifty year old loser with no job and no resources and I'm living in my mother's basement, spending my days playing solitaire on the internet in my tighty whities."  Buyer beware!
• Pass on the guy who believes he's had the worst luck ever in picking spouses or ex-girlfriends.  Remember—he picked them!  This guy should stick with picking watermelons.  It's ever so much easier.  He's just not good at this.
• Just say no to the man who asks where you live and says 15-20 miles is too great a distance to travel.  He either doesn't have a car or he doesn't have a life.
• You ask him what he likes to do and he ticks off a list of his favorite TV shows.  This one is parked in a recliner with an empty recliner next to him just waiting for your butt.  Beware...he will NOT share the clicker...you will end up watching Dragnet reruns and shows about how to fish for bass!
• Glamour shots for men?  When is that EVER a good idea?  NOT!
• Steer clear of the man who admits he cheated on the ex.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  And if he tells you she drove him to it, remember...she may have driven him to the airport, but he bought the ticket.
• When the new guy evades your question about how many times he's been married with nonsense about how it's a new start and he just wants to focus on you and not the past, kick him to the curb.  If he won't name a number, it's a BIG one!
• Guys who have a huge beer belly and a picture of themselves in a full length shirt that ends well above their belly button, but either list themselves as "athletic" or "average" in build and want to find a woman who is "hot" and "thin" are delusional or blind.  Just because you ask, it doesn't mean you will receive.
• The man who asks about your sexual preferences in the third email (before you've even met) either has an agenda or the equipment doesn't work and he's culling the herd before he wastes too much time on you.  Head for higher pastures!
• He asks your dress or bra size before you've met.  I'm thinking cross-dresser???
• The profile says he has a dog named Hitler, a cat named Stalin, a rat named Attila, and a parakeet named Jeffrey Dahmer.  This one was almost too creepy to write...stay home, lock your doors!
• At the risk of offending anyone, let me just say that midgets and circus clowns are like rhubarb pie—if you like it, it's wonderful.  But if it's not your thing, go for the coconut cream.  Everyone has a preference and it's okay to say it's not yours.  Don't get guilted into ordering a meal you don't intend to eat.  But hey, adventure can be a wonderful thing...if that's your bag.
• The man who shows up to a first meeting with his wallet and at least enough money for his own coffee is a definite contender.  And if he buys your coffee, you might have found the Holy Grail!
• McDonald's can be a good place to meet—public, clean, cheap in the event he forgot his wallet (this one should be a real strong hint), and if he remembers his wallet but turns out to be a total jerk, there's no guilt associated with a fast exit left.
• The Walgreens parking lot is NOT a good place to meet—public, clean, cheap, but just plain weird.
• The guy whose true height is at least 2 inches shorter than the profile states is either shrinking faster than he can update his profile or he's just flat delusional.  Either way, I'd give this one a pass.
• Sometimes the real keeper is the man who shows up on time for your first date in full length pants, his hair is combed, he smells good, he isn't smudged or covered in grease, he's not sweating like a whore in church—and if he has ear wax, YOU CAN'T FREAKING SEE IT from across the table!
  
• He wants to pick you up at your house for a first meeting, but you suggest a more public location to meet.  If he is offended that you don't trust him enough to let him come to your house, slam-dunk this one.  He's lied about how many axes he has hanging in his garage.
• If his picture frightens you when you open it, he's probably not your guy.  A friend of mine once told me looks aren't important, so I showed her the last profile picture I'd opened.  She jumped when I opened it and said, "Holy Crap!"  I rest my point.  Looks definitely are NOT everything, but they can be very important in certain circumstances.  Everyone can't be Hugh Jackman, but he should at least have attempted to put his best foot forward.  The old proverbial "A for effort" is important here.
• The man who spends six months trying to find the state you live in isn't a good bet for making it home every night.
• Remember, there are lots of gorgeous men out there.  But some of the best advice I ever got was from a very good friend of mine who said, "It's better to be the pretty one."  Sage advice!
• Beware of the guy whose primary photo is a bevy of dead beavers hugging a tree or him with a rifle and a dead elk.  It's not an issue that he is a hunter—I happen to love hunters—the issue is that this is the best picture he has.  Marry this man and you will spend the rest of your life with a singing fish mounted above your television.
• And last but not least—teeth are important.  Are they clean?  Are they maintained?  Does he have them?  And does he wear them?  Enough said.

Okay, now that you've been through the Kayce Lassiter school of internet dating, either you're armed and ready to go out and try it yourself or you're moving the TV and recliner into your walk-in closet where you intend to spend the rest of your life alone.  Well, I warned you...internet dating definitely is not for the faint of heart.  But for those of us who are eternal optimists, we just know there's one out there for us—the perfect man for me, the one who shows up looking good, smelling good, talking good, with his wallet, his teeth, and his manners.  He visits momma on Mother's Day, he remembers your birthday, he opens doors and pulls out chairs for you, he's honest and caring and repectful and he'd willingly walk from California to New York just to be with you.  Now that's the Happily Ever After I'm talkin' about!

That's my story, twisted but true, and I'm stickin' to it.  Hang on tight now 'cuz we're gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce