Dear Kayce!

HUGE THANKS to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News for their permission to re-post this column originally written for their publication.

Hey gang, great to see y’all back again. Tells me you ain’t right either. But that’s okay. We’re runnin’ in good company ‘cuz there’s a whole bunch of not-right runnin’ through this crowd. Let’s see what’s ailin’ ya today.

Mares: I have a crush on a widowed cowboy who never does more than smile and wave when I ride by his place. How can an old broad get the old boy’s attention without looking silly?

Oh, you don’t want to look silly. Well, that complicates things, don’t it? Ever think maybe he smiles and waves, hoping you’ll stop and chat, but doesn’t bust a move ‘cuz he doesn’t want to look silly? You might both be sittin’ alone on the same side of the fence until hell freezes over if you don’t get off your saddle-duster and take a chance. What’s the worst that can happen? He screws it up ‘cuz he ain’t smart enough to see you’re a catch? If he’s that stupid, why would you want to ride that horse? You’ve got nothing to lose—you win the guy or dodge a bullet. Cowgirl up and ride up his driveway next time you’re in the neighborhood. On the flip-side…You can stay where it’s safe and not risk looking silly. But remember, that’s gonna get you about as far with your old guy as trying to ride sidesaddle on a pig…speaking of looking silly! Besides, pride is one of those replenishing items…you use it, you lose it, you buck up, and it comes back.

Studs: When proposing to that special Cowgirl, how much do I have to spend on a ring? Can I buy it online with free delivery?

If you plan to make it to the alter with that girl, she damn sure better mean as much to you as your horse. How much did you pay for him? Did Amazon deliver him? Or did you hook up the trailer, load your butt into the truck, and drive across the state to look at him before you chunked out lots of your hard-earned cash for the privilege of hauling that animal home? Does the woman of your dreams, your life-mate, and possibly the mother of your children, deserve to have as much spent on her as on your horse? And if you opt to have the ring delivered, buy the insurance so porch pirates don’t get the ring and the girl. On the flip-side…If you don’t make a lot and you’ve found a very understanding woman, you might get away with spending the cost of your saddle. And for those of you who don’t…keep it to yourself. DO NOT get drunk and let it slip, or you’ll be sleeping in the barn next to your horse, with your saddle for a pillow. Just sayin…

That’s my story, silly and senseless, and I’m stickin’ to it. Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

If there are any questions you would like to see addressed in this column in the future, post them in the comments of this post.  Or you can Email or Messenger them to me at one of the links below.

               Email:  KayceLassiter@outlook.com

               Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/kayce.lassiter

To check out an issue or subscribe to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News, click here:

               https://www.thewrangler.com/

Dear Kayce!

HUGE THANKS to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News for their permission to re-post this column originally written for their publication.

Hey there. It’s me, Kayce Lassiter, and y’all are lookin’ happy as a slick tick on a fat dog.  Tickled to see ya here. So, let’s help out some folks wrestling with a heart issue.

Mares:  I want a tall, slim cowboy with a deep voice, full head of hair, sexy in Wranglers, can two-step, and makes my heart flutter.  Where do I find one of those?

Oooh, that’s a damn tall order. If you’re looking for a guy in the age range where men generally still have their own teeth, hang out anywhere they have horses or livestock. Cowboys and hooves go together. Finding a good set of Wranglers is easy, and you’ll know pretty quick if your heart flutters at his cockeyed smile and “My pleasure,” in a bone-melting Sam Elliott voice. But finding a good head of hair is tougher. You’ll have to get him to take his hat off, without knocking it off. Don’t do that—it won’t end well! Make this a negotiating point to offset a weakness of yours, or a compromise to get those flutters. Sliding your hands over that chrome dome is just as sensual as running your hands through a full head of hair. Give it a whirl. On the flip-side…Unicorn hunting is easier if you’re not set on a young ‘un. Hang out in the waiting room of a medical practitioner specializing in geriatrics or dentures. Arrive early to snag two seats up front—your butt in one, your purse in the other. When the right man shows up, offer him the empty seat. He’ll be grateful not to have to walk too far, and you’ll have a captive audience. Be quick! Not only will the nurse call him pretty soon, but daylight’s a burnin’ on that lifespan. As for the two-steppin’—life’s full of tradeoffs.

Studs:  The gals I date only want me for my money. How do I find a sweet girl who wants the real man beneath the Stetson?

If you are using your money as bait, you’re catching exactly what you’re going after. Fish with your heart and your smile, and you’ll get a whole different catch. Before you head out fishing, be sure you know what a sweet girl looking for a real man looks like—she may not be the prettiest girl in the pond. She might be the one floating alone in the shadows. The best fish aren’t always the ones sparkling in shallow waters. For a better catch, know what you’re fishing for and change your bait. On the flip-side…If this sounds like a lot of work, stick to the sparkling fish in the shallow waters. You might get lucky just through sheer numbers. You’ll only churn up a lot of mud fishing at the deep end.

That’s my story, fantabulous and fishy, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

If there are any questions you would like to see addressed in this column in the future, post them in the comments of this post.  Or you can Email or Messenger them to me at one of the links below.

               Email:  KayceLassiter@outlook.com

               Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/kayce.lassiter

To check out an issue or subscribe to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News, click here:

               https://www.thewrangler.com/

Dear Kayce!

HUGE THANKS to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News for their permission to re-post this column originally written for their publication.

Hi. I’m Kayce Lassiter, and I’m tickled as a coyote in the hen house to be here, where we’ll examine the questions that are burning a hole in your heart. We’ve all had our hearts soar with love, only to crash to the ground in a burning pile of rubble when something went wonky.  Join me for my advice to the love-torn. 

Mares:  My boyfriend complains that I spend more time with my horse than with him.  What can I do to make him happy?

I’m torn. Does your man have a valid point? If you are spending more time with your horse, I gotta ask why. I love horses, but they’re not my first choice to keep me warm on a cold winter night. Girlie, you know how to fix this.  When you get the evil eye that says, “I’m feeling neglected,” you just take his hand and lead him up the stairs.  Men are not that complicated. A little country lovin’ fixes most anything.  Dinner’s late or cold?  Lovin’ fixes that.  You flirted a little too much with the waiter at dinner?  Love him up.  Your mother’s coming for a month?  Honey, I’m not a miracle worker. Nuthin’ fixes that. You just gotta power through it.  On the flip-side…if you prefer a horse over your man, it’s time to put that bronc up wet. You don’t love him. Move on. Get yourself a real cowboy—one with a horse of his own—‘cuz a real cowboy is never threatened by a horse.  Just sayin…

Studs:  I have my eye on a gal who won’t give me the time of day. How do I get her attention?

Seriously? Are you a stud or a dud? It ain’t rocket science. If you like her, tell her. Walk up to her in a clean shirt and smellin’ good (maybe with a nice, unwilted flower that you didn’t steal from her flower bed) and say, “Hey, filly, wanna get rowdy?” Okay, don’t do that…she’ll crush that flower against your forehead like a smoked cigarette. If you approach her with confidence and a sweet compliment, your chances will soar—unless you say something stupid about how her eyes or her loins remind you of your horse! So, come up with something nice to say, and just do it. Waitin’ gets you nuthin’…which is exactly what you’ve already got. Like gets like, and brass gets brass. If you want the brass ring, you gotta grow a set of brass ones. On the flip-side…if you can’t man-up enough for the direct approach, go for the desperate friend (remember, like gets like), or get used to keeping Playboy magazines in the bathroom. Again, not rocket science.

That’s my story, loving and looney, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

If there are any questions you would like to see addressed in this column in the future, post them in the comments of this post.  Or you can Email or Messenger them to me at one of the links below.

               Email:  KayceLassiter@outlook.com

               Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/kayce.lassiter

To check out an issue or subscribe to The WRANGLER Horse and Rodeo News, click here:

               https://www.thewrangler.com/