REDNECK PICKUP LINES by Kayce Lassiter

Hey all, how ya doing?  Fine at this end.  Well, as most of you know, I’m half country and half redneck, so I love the weird shit that rednecks do…the more redneck, the better.

The Butterscotch Martini Girls did this week’s Blab on “Worst Pickup Lines” and we had a ball with it.  Be sure you read through to the end of this article to find the link that will take you over to see the blab, which includes some of the Redneck Pickup Lines that I will share here—and a lot more.  So kick back and don’t take any of this seriously.  We’re just having fun!  LOL

We’ve all heard the jokes about rednecks with no teeth, but who the hell woulda thought they’d actually build the image into pickup lines?  

Here’s a couple of my fav’s.

·        Hey baby, nice tooth.

·        I might be missing teeth, but that just leaves more room for your tongue.

·        I borrowed my daddy’s teeth just fer you.

Okay, the one that stands out here for me is the one about borrowing daddy’s teeth.  That’s just icky and makes me cringe every time I read it.  I’m a firm believer that everyone in the family should have their own set of teeth!  And I’ve always said that I insist on a man who has teeth—and wears them.

Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that men have a fascination with bodily functions, and this is just magnified if the man is a redneck.

·        My Love fer you is like diarrhea - I kin't hold it in.       (Seriously?  Don’t do this!)

·        Did you fart?  'Cuz you just blew me away!

·        Have I shown you my outhouse?

Okay, where do I start?  The word diarrhea and fart have absolutely no place in a pickup line…EVER.  And showing the outhouse tends to imply that it’s part of the standard tour.  Uh…ladies…the appropriate answer here would be “NO!”  Right before you bolt for the car or signal the bouncer.

Alright, what would an article on anything redneck be without Nascar, monster trucks, and dip sticks?

·        Want to ride on my Monster truck?

·        Wanna go to my place and see who makes the best covered wagons?

·        Can I borrow your t-shirt?  I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.

·        You got curves like a racetrack, and tonight, I'm gonna be your Ricky Bobby.

I’m giving the redneck guy credit here and assuming he’s really talking about an engine dip stick.  And I will admit that I was stumped by who Ricky Bobby was.  So I looked it up and found he was the character Will Ferrell played in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.  Okay, my bad…someone is probably already on their way to my door to make me turn in my redneck card.  But, seriously, if Will Ferrell played the character, it stands to reason that he doesn’t belong in your pickup line.  That’s a given, people!

Now, here’s where it gets dicey.  Rednecks and family.  Who’s related, who’s not?  We’ve all heard the stories and, yep, there’s a pickup line for that.

·        Girl you must be my cousin, cuz I sure wanna “do” you.

·        Hey baby, wanna go back to my place?  Mamma said you had to be home by 10.

·        Are yer parents retarded?  Cuz you sure are special.

There were actually a lot more pickup lines out there with references to family, but I don’t think it takes all that many to get the gist.  Do you?

No mention of redneck pickup lines would be complete without a mention of hunting or fishing.  So here’s a couple of those for your reading enjoyment.

·        Your hair’s as purdy as that squirrel I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!

·        I just got back from fishing. Want to see my rod?

I almost feel sorry for the guy with the squirrel.  I think he probably meant well, but I’m pretty sure he got slapped.

Alright, we all know that rednecks love their alcohol and…shocker…there are even redneck pickup lines that center around drinking.

·        A few more beers, and I'd prob’ly do ya.  So jest gimme me a minute darlin’.

·        Want a drink? The still’s in my camper—or as I call it—my sheep shack.

Hey men, the first one is guaranteed to get you punched, and the 2^nd one will get you shot.  Refrain!  I must admit, however, that I’m intrigued by a still in the camper.  Where can I get one of those?  Do they make butterscotch martinis?

Now, this next group gets the “sorry ass” award, which means the guy tried but somehow fell seriously short of anything remotely effective…because we all know they did NOT work.

·        Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

·        I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

·        I bet your father was a good farmer, cause you’re one fine hoe.

·        Hey you looking for a stud in your life?  Cause I got the STD, all I need is U.

Wow.  Some of these guys really are too stupid to live.  And as for the guy with the STD…WTF was he thinking?

So, now we get to the “didn’t even see the finish line” winners.  These are the ones where they thought they were being cute and sexy and ended up parked solidly on the “disgusting” line.  We’ve all met them, but I just pray to God that none of us have ever fallen for any of these!

·        Well, aren't you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running from my hunting dogs in August?

·        I am cooking out so if you want some juicy sausage come on over.

·        You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?

·        Yer face reminds me of a wrench.  Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

·        Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 3000 rpm?

·        Is there a mirror in yer pants?  'Cuz I can see myself in ‘em.

·        Hey you remember that BBQ, when I slapped my meat on your grill.

·        If you were a tree and I was a squirrel, i'd store my nuts in you.

Seriously?  Don’t you boys have some wings to pull off flies?  And, ladies, if any of you did fall for one of these, be advised that you will need to turn in your girl card by the end of the week.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a wrench or a grill the same way again.

This next group of pickup lines is actually my favorite…mostly because they are just so wrong.

·        Did you sit in a pile of sugar?  Cuz you've got a pretty sweet ass.

·        If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep ‘til afternoon.

Is it wrong that I kinda think the first one is cute and that I totally understand the one about sleeping until afternoon?  Come on, you know you’ve been there!

And now for the awwww award….

·        Can I get a picture with you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Seriously, men?  There are 32 pickup lines here and only one with a snowball’s chance in hell of working?  Someone needs to step up their game!  I‘m just sayin…

Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line?  We’d all love to hear it!  And what we really want to know is…did it work?  Doesn’t matter if you used it or heard it, inquiring minds want to know!

Well, that’s my story, Redneck and Ridiculous, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!]

Love ya,

Kayce

Be sure to check out the related Blab at:
Butterscotch Martini Girl Blabs

Pickup Lines–Do They Work?

Hi guys!  Good to see you again.  Well, here it is blog day and once again Kayce spent her Thursday night trolling the internet for a blog topic.  And while trolling on the internet, I came across some pickup lines, so I thought you might enjoy some of the absolute jewels I managed to find.  There are sweet ones, weird ones, cute ones, creepy ones, lines that you hope will never work, and lines that just might.  So pick out your fav’s and least fav’s and let me know what you think. 

This first one seemed strange until I thought it through.

• I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

I’m thinking that’s not the real reason.  My mother warned me about wearing patent leather shoes!

The next two are for those who are hungry…

• Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!
• Hershey's makes millions of kisses a day…all I'm asking for is one from you.  (Awhhh)

Not exactly the smoothest or the most creative, but there is a promise of food…and kisses.  Don’t forget the kisses.  :-)

Here’s another one I hadn’t heard before…

• You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Okay, I’ll have to think about that one.  I was going to dis it, but when I read it out loud, I found it actually had merit.  Can I get back to you on that?

Men, please don’t try this out in public.  You might get away with it at home, though.

• I'm not staring at your boobs. I'm staring at your heart.

Sure you are…and if you aren’t careful, the tip of my…uh…left heart is going to put your eye out!

These next lines are quite possibly the worst ever!  There is no way in hell that body parts or bodily functions belong in a pickup line.  These rank right up there with proposing to a woman by peeing your proposal in the snow.

• If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
• My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
• Did you fart, ‘cause you blew me away.
• Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

Farts and diarrhea come eventually in every love affair, but please don’t use these to kick-start a new relationship.  I think it’s an automatic defense for murder.

These next three would require a certain kind of girl…probably the kind you couldn’t take home to mom.  J

• Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
• If you were a transformer, you'd be a HOT-obot, and your name would be Optimus Fine.
• Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

Oh wait…no, I think that last one got lumped into the wrong grouping…that one’s kinda creepy.  Kick that one to the curb.  No pickup line should ever include the word chloroform…it’s just plain wrong.

This next set of pickup lines might actually work.  They range from clever to sweet.  I’d fall for any one of these as long as the guy wasn’t a troll.

• If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
• I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down.  (If you’re like me, you’ll have to think this one through.)
• You see my friend over there? [Point to friend] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
• I'm sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.
• When God made you, he was showing off.
• Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
• You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.     (Winner!)
• There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

And these three are definite winners!

• I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.
• I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
• If I had to choose between breathing or loving you, I would say "I love you" with my last breath!

What woman doesn’t long to be the happiest woman on earth?  What woman doesn’t hope that one day all her dreams will come true?  And what woman doesn’t want a man who will love her until his last breath?  After all, that’s why we write books.  Men – take notes!

• Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s'more.

Okay, so that one reminds me of a Butterscotch Martini Girls night on the town.  You’ve never lived until you’ve gone to a cowboy bar to ogle cowboy butts and eat s’mores, followed by a field trip to the adult toy store with that crew!  LOL

These next two are actually some of my favorites, but it takes the right kind of guy to deliver these lines.  He has to be tall and handsome and suave…or she might actually end up with his money!

• Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?  (I actually think this one is fabulous!  LOL)
• I'm not actually this tall.  I'm sitting on my wallet. 

See what I mean about how those have to come from the right guy?  Anything less than perfection and the tide turns to pathetic and he’s toast…and she’s got the money.

And here are the slightly desperate, but just enough that they might work…

• Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.
• Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
• Be unique and different, say yes.      (This one turns fabulous if he’s fabulous.)
• Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!      (And then run like the wind!)

Okay, girls, I’ gonna warn you here…DO NOT fall for any of these…please…

• Is your last name Gillette?  Because you are the best a man can get.
• Is your name "Swiffer"?  'Cause you just swept me off my feet.
• Do you work at Dick's?  ‘Cause you're sporting the goods.
• I'm Mr. Right.  Someone said you were looking for me?
• Is your last name Campbell? Cause you're "mmmm... good!"

You fall for any one of those lines, you marry the guy…and that’s the one that’s gonna buy you vacuum cleaners, toasters, mops and cleaning supplies for Christmas.  Maybe even a set of left-handed golf clubs…and you’re not even left-handed…he is.  RUN!

This next one will work only because it will take you by surprise and make you laugh out loud.

• I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but...I'm Batman!

And for the rednecks out there…

• Baby, you are so fine I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

Sigh!  Okay, I love “redneck”, but that one is a little too redneck—even for me.  Best let this one stay in the closet.  The girl that falls for this one is probably riding an elevator that doesn’t go all the way to the top.

Okay, this one is just ugly and can be taken so many different ways…guys, DON’T DO IT!

• Are you a beaver?  ‘Cause daaaaam!

I told you so…that one ain’t gonna end well.

Now, I think it’s time for my absolute favorite.  This one is extremely flattering and has just the right twist of humor without the cheesy crap…

• My buddies bet me that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar.  Wanna buy some drinks with their money?

And you’re in for a free drink…how can either of you lose with that one?!

Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line?  We’d all love to hear it!  And what we really want to know is…did it work?

That’s my story, sad and sassy, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hold on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce