Stupid Girl, New Covers, Redneck Family Reunions, and Great Racks.

Good morning!  Or afternoon, as the case may be.  I’m afraid I’m a bit late posting my blog this morning.  But better late than never, right?  Oops.  Well, that’s the story I’m going with.

But I do have a good excuse—I was working.  Hand in the air, cross my heart, hope to…well, you get it.  I was working until almost 4am trying to get some books formatted so I can get them off to the printer in time for the Romantic Times Conference in Las Vegas next month.  Woo Hoo!!!

Here’s the stupid thing I did, though…because we all know Stupid Girl shows up when the pressure’s on.  I decided to move the printing of all my books to a local printer, which will allow me to get a better price by not paying for shipping…thereby enabling me to sell them to you all at conference pricing at book signings.

Anyway, I digress.  In order to reformat a number of books, I purchased a software package so I could upload the books myself to the printer’s site, as well as some additional ebook sites.  Here’s where Stupid Girl comes in…she didn’t notice that the software package was only available for Macs.  Seriously?  Now what?

Well, I have a partner in crime, Tina Gerow, who has a Mac.  So I got her to download the software onto her machine.  The only problem is that Tina actually uses her machine to write…I know, shocker.  That means I have very small windows of opportunity where I can impose on Tina to allow me to use her computer to format books…and this time I had 4 of them to do.  DUH!  So the bottom line is that I reformatted books from about 7pm last night until 4am this morning.  Hence, the blog was late.

Apologies.  (smile)

On that note, I did have a couple of things I want to share with you today—two new covers.  Yeah!  First, I am putting a new face on an old friend.  My first Delta Jane story is Midnight on the Double-B, and since that has grown into a series and the covers have evolved into something more consistent across the series, I’m going to re-release the story with a new cover that will tie it to the series. So…drumroll, please…here is the new cover I will be releasing for Midnight on the Double-B.

Like it?  I sure hope so…I debated long and hard over the electric blue boots.  LOL  Tina Gerow finally convinced me they are sooo Delta.  (smile)

The other new cover is going on a newer new release.  HUH?  I know…WTH is she talking about?  Remember the box set we put out last month from the Butterscotch Martini Girls?  Well, my story, Slingin’ Bull, is being released this month as a stand-alone single.  So you will have an opportunity to purchase this story either as a novella, or as part of the box set—and those of you who collect covers may want to buy both just to make sure you have both covers.  So here’s the cover reveal for my new cover for the single novella, Slingin’ Bull…which is a new installment in the Delta Jane Series.  Hope you love it!

Okay, folks, those are all the new announcements and new covers.  Now I have an update for ya’all on the family reunion, since I received several emails wanting to know how the redneck reunion went and asking if there were any new stories coming out of them.  Well…it was a redneck reunion…of course there are stories!

My 84-year-old mother asked me at one point what my 16-year-old grandson, Tyler, was doing.  I told her that he was going to take some pictures so we have pics of everyone.  So when Tyler pointed the camera at his older brother, Justin, my mother asked me, “Are you having him take a picture of Justin so the girls can see he’s not married and ‘available’?”

I stared at her for a moment and replied, “Uh, no.  I don’t think a family reunion is really the best place to troll for a girlfriend.”

Here’s your sign.  Mom, I love you, but I think you need to lay off the juice for a bit.

The other funny “oops” came from Naz, my cousin LaJoyce’s teenage grandson.  They were carting bags and crock pots of food out to the car, preparing to leave after the reunion.  As they were taking the last load and hugging everyone goodbye, Naz stopped in the living room to admire a large cowboy hat rack that was given to me by a very dear friend.  Naz was very taken with it and without thinking, he announced very loudly that he loved the hat rack, following that statement with, “That is a great rack you have there.”

Oh-kay.

Well, those of you who know me know that I could NOT allow that to pass quietly.  I opened my eyes wide and looked at my cousin and asked, “Did Naz really just tell me I have a great rack?”

Poor Naz.  The kid turned 12 shades of purple and hung his head.  Then he slowly shook his head from side to side and replied, “Yes, I did.”

And, that, my friends, is a good old southern country family reunion…the family matriarch encouraging her great grandson to troll for girlfriends and teenage boys telling their grandmother’s cousin that she has a great rack.  Just doesn’t get any more redneck than that!

Well, that’s my story, racky and rocky, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

Family Reunions—Watch Out For Aunt Millie and Uncle Elmer!

Hey, ya’all, how’s everyone doin’ out there today?  Doing great at this end!  My apologies to those of you who tuned in to read my blog last Friday and found it wasn’t there.  I’ve been burning the candle at both ends to get 2 books out this month.  Got them out, and then I took a few days off…which turned into about 10 days off…and everything took some downtime, including my brain.  I simply spaced it out.  So sorry!!!

Okay, so here we are again, and I’ve got a family reunion coming up for my dad’s side of the family.  I also have a high school girlfriend staying with me this week (from Oklahoma) so she can attend her family reunion.  So I’ve got family reunions on the brain and thought I’d do a little research on the subject and share with you what I’ve found.  Hold onto your hats…it’s redneck…I know, shocker, huh?  Let me just say that the research I did for this article made me very grateful for the family I have.  Holy cow, there are some scary families out there!

So, I met with some of my cousins a couple of times in the last month to do a little party planning.  The reunion will be at my house this year, so I was relieved when everyone wanted to pitch in and help plan and bring stuff.  This family used to have reunions every year when my grandparents and aunts and uncles were all alive, but the reunions fell by the wayside as the older generation aged and family members scattered to the winds.  But I have like 25 first cousins on that side of the family, so there’s still a lot of family around, and all of us are now grandparents.  So we decided it was time the next generations(s) got to know each other.

The dilemmas:

·   Estranged family members—You know, those people who have, for one reason or another, pulled away from the family and no longer want anything to do with anyone.  We decided to invite them, wish them well, and be surprised if they show up.  (Might have to frisk them at the gate for weapons.)

·     Alcohol—We all understand this one.  Aunt Mildred tips a little too much and flashes everyone…no one wants to see that!  (Did I mention this family's roots are in the dairy farm industry? Yeah, that’s flashing on a whole different scale!) Okay, so I’ll have to assign someone to watch Aunt Millie and either confiscate her flask or lock her in the garage with it.  Everyone agreed for this first trial reunion, the alcohol should stay stowed until we figure out who (besides Aunt Millie) are the worst offenders, and just how bad it might get.  Of course, I’ll have to figure out how to keep my flask hidden but accessible, in order to survive the insanity.  LOL  Just sayin…

·     The menu—Those of you who know me know that I don’t really care.  My attitude about potlucks is that we are getting together to visit and catch up on what’s been happening with everyone.  The food is just something to bond over.  So if everyone brings green bean casserole, that’s great…there’s plenty of green beans for everyone!  But not everyone thinks the way I do, so I’m sure there is a movement afoot to make sure the basics are covered.  Works for me.  (Smile)

·       Entertainment—Not worrying about it.  There will be plenty of people to talk to.  And if things get boring, I just share my flask with Aunt Millie and…voile…entertainment!

So…in the spirit of the reunion season, I researched family reunion jokes and here are some I found.

·     A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.  Hmmm…not sure exactly what this means…if it’s just learning who your family members are so you can stay away from ‘em, or it’s seeing what genes might be passed down if you were to reproduce.

·      You might be a redneck if you attend your family reunion to pick up chicks.  I don’t even want to think about this one!  Guess I’d better assign someone to keep an eye on my grandsons.  LOL

·        You might be a redneck if your family reunion is held at a rest area.  Well, my place ain’t a rest area, but don’t think I’d be surprised if someone decided to pee in a trash can.  Just sayin…

·     Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!  Well, this is something that just can’t be helped…it’s a family reunion.  If you can’t show your butt to family, then who… (nevermind…this didn’t come out on paper like it did in my head).

·     We put the "fun" in dysfunctional.  I think this one will certainly come to fruition next weekend, as I don’t think there is anyone in this family that didn’t inherit the twisted sense of humor.

·      Relatives are people who come to dinner, who aren't friends.  Well, if they aren’t friends before they show up, I’m sure they will be by the time they leave—especially if we can keep Aunt Millie’s shirt on her.

Now, I know you’ve all experienced the problem of relatives who love to come to visit and maybe stay too long.  Well, I tend to be pretty open and folks are welcome to stay as long as they’d like.  If I get too tired to party, I’ll just go to bed and everyone is on their own—just put the fire out before you leave.  But I did run across a very ingenious solution on the internet for solving the problem of too many visiting relatives.  One guy fixed the problem by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.  Now none of them come back.  I like it!  So if you’re related to me and I ask to borrow money, or offer to make you a loan…it’s time to go.  LOL

And this article would NOT be complete without the redneck family reunion horror story…which I found (easily) on the internet.  Someone wrote in to say…

Last time I went to a family reunion my uncle (married in) got in a knife fight with my grandfather over who had the best barbecue sauce, two separate cousins admitted to being knocked up by the same guy, and someone tried to use gasoline to start a bonfire and damn near lost his trailer in the process.

Probably a good thing I don’t have a trailer.  Guess we’d better frisk Aunt Millie for the flask and Uncle Elmer for the fish-guttin’ knife.  Hmmm...now that I think about it...perhaps everyone should be frisked for weapons...especially the ones who come in curlers.  They're the ones living on the edg

Be sure you watch for new releases of my Delta Jane Series, as I’m thinking this family reunion could produce some most excellent fodder for the next installment.  Hmmm…maybe a Delta Jane Family Reunion?  LOL

That’s my story—redneck and ridiculous—and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, cuz’ we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce

Many thanks to these sites for some of the stories and one-liners used in this article!

http://www.family-reunion-success.com/family-reunion-jokes.html

http://www.family-reunion.com/thought.htm

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/21fl4x/rednecks_of_reddit_what_are_your_best_family/

REDNECK PICKUP LINES by Kayce Lassiter

Hey all, how ya doing?  Fine at this end.  Well, as most of you know, I’m half country and half redneck, so I love the weird shit that rednecks do…the more redneck, the better.

The Butterscotch Martini Girls did this week’s Blab on “Worst Pickup Lines” and we had a ball with it.  Be sure you read through to the end of this article to find the link that will take you over to see the blab, which includes some of the Redneck Pickup Lines that I will share here—and a lot more.  So kick back and don’t take any of this seriously.  We’re just having fun!  LOL

We’ve all heard the jokes about rednecks with no teeth, but who the hell woulda thought they’d actually build the image into pickup lines?  

Here’s a couple of my fav’s.

·        Hey baby, nice tooth.

·        I might be missing teeth, but that just leaves more room for your tongue.

·        I borrowed my daddy’s teeth just fer you.

Okay, the one that stands out here for me is the one about borrowing daddy’s teeth.  That’s just icky and makes me cringe every time I read it.  I’m a firm believer that everyone in the family should have their own set of teeth!  And I’ve always said that I insist on a man who has teeth—and wears them.

Well, I’m sure you’ve noticed that men have a fascination with bodily functions, and this is just magnified if the man is a redneck.

·        My Love fer you is like diarrhea - I kin't hold it in.       (Seriously?  Don’t do this!)

·        Did you fart?  'Cuz you just blew me away!

·        Have I shown you my outhouse?

Okay, where do I start?  The word diarrhea and fart have absolutely no place in a pickup line…EVER.  And showing the outhouse tends to imply that it’s part of the standard tour.  Uh…ladies…the appropriate answer here would be “NO!”  Right before you bolt for the car or signal the bouncer.

Alright, what would an article on anything redneck be without Nascar, monster trucks, and dip sticks?

·        Want to ride on my Monster truck?

·        Wanna go to my place and see who makes the best covered wagons?

·        Can I borrow your t-shirt?  I gotta go wipe the oil off my dip stick.

·        You got curves like a racetrack, and tonight, I'm gonna be your Ricky Bobby.

I’m giving the redneck guy credit here and assuming he’s really talking about an engine dip stick.  And I will admit that I was stumped by who Ricky Bobby was.  So I looked it up and found he was the character Will Ferrell played in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.  Okay, my bad…someone is probably already on their way to my door to make me turn in my redneck card.  But, seriously, if Will Ferrell played the character, it stands to reason that he doesn’t belong in your pickup line.  That’s a given, people!

Now, here’s where it gets dicey.  Rednecks and family.  Who’s related, who’s not?  We’ve all heard the stories and, yep, there’s a pickup line for that.

·        Girl you must be my cousin, cuz I sure wanna “do” you.

·        Hey baby, wanna go back to my place?  Mamma said you had to be home by 10.

·        Are yer parents retarded?  Cuz you sure are special.

There were actually a lot more pickup lines out there with references to family, but I don’t think it takes all that many to get the gist.  Do you?

No mention of redneck pickup lines would be complete without a mention of hunting or fishing.  So here’s a couple of those for your reading enjoyment.

·        Your hair’s as purdy as that squirrel I skinned this morning. And it smells just as good!

·        I just got back from fishing. Want to see my rod?

I almost feel sorry for the guy with the squirrel.  I think he probably meant well, but I’m pretty sure he got slapped.

Alright, we all know that rednecks love their alcohol and…shocker…there are even redneck pickup lines that center around drinking.

·        A few more beers, and I'd prob’ly do ya.  So jest gimme me a minute darlin’.

·        Want a drink? The still’s in my camper—or as I call it—my sheep shack.

Hey men, the first one is guaranteed to get you punched, and the 2^nd one will get you shot.  Refrain!  I must admit, however, that I’m intrigued by a still in the camper.  Where can I get one of those?  Do they make butterscotch martinis?

Now, this next group gets the “sorry ass” award, which means the guy tried but somehow fell seriously short of anything remotely effective…because we all know they did NOT work.

·        Can you help me find my puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

·        I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

·        I bet your father was a good farmer, cause you’re one fine hoe.

·        Hey you looking for a stud in your life?  Cause I got the STD, all I need is U.

Wow.  Some of these guys really are too stupid to live.  And as for the guy with the STD…WTF was he thinking?

So, now we get to the “didn’t even see the finish line” winners.  These are the ones where they thought they were being cute and sexy and ended up parked solidly on the “disgusting” line.  We’ve all met them, but I just pray to God that none of us have ever fallen for any of these!

·        Well, aren't you hotter than a mama cougar in heat running from my hunting dogs in August?

·        I am cooking out so if you want some juicy sausage come on over.

·        You’ve got 206 bones in your body. Want one more?

·        Yer face reminds me of a wrench.  Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

·        Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 3000 rpm?

·        Is there a mirror in yer pants?  'Cuz I can see myself in ‘em.

·        Hey you remember that BBQ, when I slapped my meat on your grill.

·        If you were a tree and I was a squirrel, i'd store my nuts in you.

Seriously?  Don’t you boys have some wings to pull off flies?  And, ladies, if any of you did fall for one of these, be advised that you will need to turn in your girl card by the end of the week.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at a wrench or a grill the same way again.

This next group of pickup lines is actually my favorite…mostly because they are just so wrong.

·        Did you sit in a pile of sugar?  Cuz you've got a pretty sweet ass.

·        If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep ‘til afternoon.

Is it wrong that I kinda think the first one is cute and that I totally understand the one about sleeping until afternoon?  Come on, you know you’ve been there!

And now for the awwww award….

·        Can I get a picture with you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

Seriously, men?  There are 32 pickup lines here and only one with a snowball’s chance in hell of working?  Someone needs to step up their game!  I‘m just sayin…

Okay, what’s your worst or best pickup line?  We’d all love to hear it!  And what we really want to know is…did it work?  Doesn’t matter if you used it or heard it, inquiring minds want to know!

Well, that’s my story, Redneck and Ridiculous, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!]

Love ya,

Kayce

Be sure to check out the related Blab at:
Butterscotch Martini Girl Blabs

The Duck Commander Lives In My Backyard!

Nope, I’m not blogging about hot young men with scrubby beards who have lots of guns, drive way cool toys, wear camos and gig for frogs…although I may have to consider doing that one day since Duck Dynasty is my new crack.  I just love those guys!  Yeah, I know…go figure…redneck woman, redneck show with handsome redneck men.  What’s not to love?!

Okay, so back to the subject at hand…the Duck Commander.  What I’m talking about here is a duck, a real live honest-to-goodness walking, quacking, pushy, fight-picking duck.  Yes, I did say pushy and fight-picking.  Not what you think of when you think of a duck?  Well, Tubby ain’t your run o’ the mill duck.  We have the Rambo of the duck world.

Wait…before I get into Tubby’s story, I do need to share my sad news first.  Some of you have asked me whatever happened to Scooter, the little baby Mallard duck we rescued earlier this year.  Well, I’m sad to say we lost Scooter when she was about 3 months old.  She suffered some kind of injury to her neck or back and there was nothing we could do to save her.  But she was sweet and cute and fun to watch while we had her…and she did manage to squeeze out 3 more months of life than she would have had if we hadn’t rescued her from the big duck that was intent on killing her.  But before we lost Scooter, we went out and bought her some real live friends to keep her company and while Scooter is no longer with us, I’m happy to say both her little buddies are thriving and this story is about one of Scooter’s little duck friends, Tubby.

Tubby got his not-so-glamorous name because he’s a little piggy duck—a fat black piggy duck.  Tubby is the first to the food dish and the last to leave…and he won’t leave it until the darn thing is E-M-P-T-Y!  In fact, when I go out to feed the horses in the morning, the first thing I hear is Cody neighing at me.  The second thing I hear is Tubby quacking for food.  Now, Tubby isn’t the only duck we have…he has a little duck friend named Sunny and she has vocal cords too, but Tubby must’ve got the upgraded set because that sucker can be heard 5 acres away, while little Sunny is barely more than a faint echo as she waddles along in Tubby’s wake.  Tubby is definitely the alpha duck.

Tubby has another little friend…er…maybe more of a nemesis.  I don’t know, it’s hard to tell if they hate each other or love each other—maybe it’s the proverbial love-hate relationship.  Tubby’s little enemy-friend is a mangy, toothy, so-ugly-he’s-cute, yappy little dog named Skay.  When we got the ducks, we decided to situate the duck pen next to the dog run.  What the hell were we thinking?  I’ll tell you what we were thinking…we were thinking having the dogs close at night would help to keep the coyotes away from the ducks.  Little did we know the ducks would become pure entertainment for little Skay.  The big dogs will sometimes watch the ducks, but could take them or leave them.  Skay, on the other hand, sits in front of the duck pen for hours on end, watching the ducks and barking at them.  (Good thing we don’t have many neighbors and the ones we do have think it’s cute.)  It’s like duck-TV for the little dog…sort of Skay’s version of Duck Dynasty.”

 

Now, you’d think having a dog running incessantly along the fence line barking at you would make you tremendously nervous if you were a duck, but you would be sorely mistaken.  Because our rotund black piggy duck, Tubby, has become very cocky and has taken to taunting the dog.  He takes every opportunity to strut along the fence line like he doesn’t have a care in the world.  In fact, if he had opposable thumbs, I’m pretty sure he’d be thumbing his nose at the dog because he seems to enjoy the incessant barking.  It’s probably some childhood trauma-induced neurosis that occurs in ducklings who are taken away from their mothers too young.  Or perhaps he gets bored and thinks, “Hey, I’m gonna go get the dog spun up…that’ll be fun!”  Who knows?  But it doesn’t end there. 

Tubby’s latest antics include actually attacking the dog, but it’s not an overt blatant attack…more of a sneak attack, sort of a sucker punch.  Tubby will stand at the fence, with his beak right up to the chicken wire we stretched along the fence to keep the dogs from reaching through.  So, he stands there with his beak just out of Skay’s range and stares at the dog while Skay goes berserk barking.  The dog lunges, the duck never flinches, never blinks…he’s the bad-ass of the duck world.  He just sits and stares at the dog, just barely out of reach.  The minute the dog stops barking to take a breath as he’s almost nose to nose with the duck, Tubby whacks him on the tip of the nose with his beek…just a quick hit, in and out, fast like a ninja.  As you can well imagine, this just drives Skay absolutely bonkers and you can almost see the duck smile as the dog escalates into a frenzy just short of foaming at the mouth.  This can go on for hours and it’s hysterical to watch if you’re not trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon on the patio.  LOL

And that’s not the only trick Tubby does.  Yesterday I was outside doing something in the backyard.  The duck and the dog were both enjoying some quiet time, as was I.  But when my neighbor came through the gate and started talking to me, the damn duck began to quack like someone had wound him up.  I knew he’d already been fed, so no reason for it in the middle of the day…what the hell?  

Well, just as a little backstory…my neighbor helps out around the place.  She makes a little extra spending money by helping with the yard work and some general maintenance stuff around the place.  So for her to be in my yard is a very common thing.  In fact, we had a gate installed between the two backyards to make it easier for us to come and go.  Sometimes I will actually find her cat sitting at my door meowing because she has lost her mom and thinks she’s in my house.  It’s quite the neighborhood! 

Anyway, the neighbor and I are standing in the backyard talking and this duck goes off like an air raid siren.  He is quacking for all he’s worth and staring at us…and Tubby is damn hard to ignore when he’s in serious quacking mode.  I commented that I didn’t know what the hell that duck’s problem was and the neighbor laughed and said, “Oh, I know what he wants.  You mean you don’t know your own duck?”  Huh?  She says, “Come on, I’ll show you.”  So I follow her over to the duck pen where she turns the hose on and puts it thru the fence so it is filling the area around the bushes that are in the duck pen…and I’ll be damned if that chubby black duck doesn’t waddle very quickly over to the running water and start digging for worms.  Really?  Apparently, my neighbor is now teaching our obnoxious attack duck to quack real loud when he thinks it’s time for you to come turn the water on so he can forage for worms…the Duck Commander.

I’d like to tell you a story about Sunny too, but I don’t really have any.  She’s a cute beige colored duck with absofreakinglutely no personality.  She just follows Tubby around like a sweet little shadow.  However, I did actually see her standing at the fence taunting Skay the other day.  Monkey see, monkey do.  She ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it appears she’s picked up at least one trick from her paunchy black sidekick.

So, that’s the end of my duck tale…that’s my story, dizzy and ducky, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce