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Friday, May 31, 2013

Kayce Lassiter's Do's and Don'ts of Internet Dating

Okay, I might as well come clean, fess up, get it off my chest...I'm a chronic procrastinator.  I'm sure they have support groups for people less afflicted than me, but "Hell no, I won't go!"  I'm gonna dig in my heels and hold out until the very last minute.  I'm gonna wait until the ninth hour, until the deadline is eminent, until the adrenaline is pumping and the risk of failure is looming large.  I'm gonna walk the bleeding edge of procrastination and laugh in the face of the concept of actually scheduling a blog ahead of time.  And one day I'm going to come up totally freaking empty and have to make the walk of shame with no one to blame but myself.  But not today!  Not this week, not this girland I have my niece to thank for that.  Thank you, B-girl, you are a rock star!

A few years ago, I wrote a couple of blogs over on the Butterscotch Martini Girls site about some of my internet dating experiences.  Well, the saga continues and I'm still searching the internet world for the perfect man for me.  Now, mind you, I'm not looking for the perfect manthat's like dragons and unicornsthey don't exist except in our books.  I'm just looking for the one that's perfect for me.  I're all fairness, the perfect woman is a myth also.  But that's not the subject of this blog.  Over the last five years, I've read literally thousands of profiles and have talked to enough men to single-handedly staff a Million Man March.  Okay, that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it.

Well, as I sat here tonight staring at a blank computer screen with the panic rising like water over the Titanic, the B-girl suggested I should blog again about internet dating.  It seems my nieces never tire of hearing about the systematic humiliation of their favorite aunt.  So, why not?  My blogs are all about Life, Love, and Laughter and what's more closely aligned with that than internet dating?  But this time, I'm not going to give you all the sordid details of my dating life or describe for you the tales of a wandering minstrel that couldn't find his way to Arizona.  This time I'm just going to address this blog to those hopeful women out there who are looking to internet dating as the potential solution to all their dating woes.  If this is you, my advice is to run like the wind.  Internet dating is NOT for sissies!  It can be overwhelming as hell to go through all those profiles and try to decipher the secret code.  And make no mistake, there is a secret code and it's not documented in the FAQ's for the match site.  The only place you can learn the code is in the school of hard knocks or from a friend who's attended the school.  So...sit down, put on your seatbelt, and grab some popcorn and a soda...I'm gonna give you Kayce Lassiter's do's and don'ts of internet dating.

What are we looking for? 
  • A man with an interesting profile that gives you some insight into his values and his character.
  • The profile that shows a man who is appealing to the heart, as well as the eye.
  • Someone with goals and interests and dreams.
  • Someone willing to help support your goals and interests and dreams.
  • The man who makes the reader imagine a future full of love and respect.
  • A man who aligns closely with our dreams, whatever those may be.
  • An individual with enough resources to not be a drain or a burden, but isn't consumed with his stuff to the detriment of his relationships.
  • Honesty, happiness, laughter, intelligence, wit, common sense, and adventure embodied in male form.
  • The rare man who speaks well of his ex's and isn't afraid to tell you how many there have been.
Well, girls, this ever-elusive creature can be as hard to find as a pink striped cat at a dog fight, but don't lose heart.  Just take a gander a this list and see if you don't agree that this is a pretty comprehensive list of ways to cull the herd and find a good 'un.
  • If the new guy talks a little too much a little too soon about his possessions and money, supposedly in the spirit of "full disclosure", beware!  He is either lying desperate to inpress you, or loose-lipped.  None of these gets my vote for "catch of the year"...or even "catch of the day".  Swim away!
  • Profiles with no pictures should have a red circle with a slash over them and a tagline that reads "Keep Out".  There is a reason there's no picture...he's probably married.  And his line about not being able to post a picture because he's an FBI agent and the bureau won't allow it...probably a load of bull.  (Believe it or not, this guy's out there.)
  • If the man's picture is taken at a range of a quarter mile, but close-ups of his dog, cat, hamster, jackass, artwork, or nieces and nephews are all at point blank range, scroll on.  He's either completely incapable of operating a simple camera, has no friends, or is hiding something.  None of this bodes well for you.
  • Take care with the man whose profile is full of pictures of hot little sports cars, expensive toys, exotic locations and mansions, but his profile says "facilities engineer".  He's not engineering anything...those are all things he's cleaning for someone else.
  • Beware of match sites that want you to list your income level and beware of men who do.
  • Men who take pictures with their herd of little fluffy, yappy dogs are either trying too hard to show you their sensitive side or are too attached to the little yappers.  Unless you enjoy sharing your bed with five dogs with fleas and bad breath, kennel this one.
  • Stay away from men whose profiles have pictures of them with Hooters waitresses, cheerleaders, or Vegas showgirls.  These men are out to impress the other men on the match site.  These guys just haven't come out of the closet yet.
  • Retired vs. umemployed vs. semi-retired is a very interesting dilemma.  Retired generally means retired.  Unemployed usually means unemployed, but is seldom listed.  Semi-retired, however, isn't always what it's cracked up to be.  This is the time to ask some pointed questions.  Very often, semi-retired is a euphemism for old, unemployed, broke, and can't find a job.   Make sure he is "semi-retired" with some visible means of supportother than you!
  • If you run across the guy whose profile says he's 60, but his primary profile picture shows a man in his 20's giving a peace sign and wearing a moustache, sideburns, and an afro...keep on truckin'.  That's a man who spends way too much time in the past.
  • If his marriage status on his profile says, "it's complicated", run for the hills!  Honesty is the best policy, but that doesn't mean "unmarried man sleeping with camel and dating woman on the side" is ever a good idea.
  • If he shows up in a swimsuit for your first date, you'd better be meeting at the beach.
  • The guy who asks you out on a 3rd coffee date is either terribly undecided, terribly cheap, or just plain bored and you're better than nothing.  Make yourself absent from his life.
  • If the new dreamboat is loud and talks over the top of you, either he's more interested in himself than you...or he's DEAF.  Unless you know sign language, let this one slide on by.
  • A man in a white shirt and a tie standing in front of an airplane isn't necessarily a pilot.
  • The man who says he is "living with his elderly mother to take care of her" might be the most loving and selfless man on the planet, but it could also be code for "I'm a fifty year old loser with no job and no resources and I'm living in my mother's basement, spending my days playing solitaire on the internet in my tighty whities."  Buyer beware!
  • Pass on the guy who believes he's had the worst luck ever in picking spouses or ex-girlfriends.  Rememberhe picked them!  This guy should stick with picking watermelons.  It's ever so much easier.  He's just not good at this.
  • Just say no to the man who asks where you live and says 15-20 miles is too great a distance to travel.  He either doesn't have a car or he doesn't have a life.
  • You ask him what he likes to do and he ticks off a list of his favorite TV shows.  This one is parked in a recliner with an empty recliner next to him just waiting for your butt.  Beware...he will NOT share the will end up watching Dragnet reruns and shows about how to fish for bass!
  • Glamour shots for men?  When is that EVER a good idea?  NOT!
  • Steer clear of the man who admits he cheated on the ex.  Once a cheater, always a cheater.  And if he tells you she drove him to it, remember...she may have driven him to the airport, but he bought the ticket.
  • When the new guy evades your question about how many times he's been married with nonsense about how it's a new start and he just wants to focus on you and not the past, kick him to the curb.  If he won't name a number, it's a BIG one!
  • Guys who have a huge beer belly and a picture of themselves in a full length shirt that ends well above their belly button, but either list themselves as "athletic" or "average" in build and want to find a woman who is "hot" and "thin" are delusional or blind.  Just because you ask, it doesn't mean you will receive.
  • The man who asks about your sexual preferences in the third email (before you've even met) either has an agenda or the equipment doesn't work and he's culling the herd before he wastes too much time on you.  Head for higher pastures!
  • He asks your dress or bra size before you've met.  I'm thinking cross-dresser???
  • The profile says he has a dog named Hitler, a cat named Stalin, a rat named Attila, and a parakeet named Jeffrey Dahmer.  This one was almost too creepy to write...stay home, lock your doors!
  • At the risk of offending anyone, let me just say that midgets and circus clowns are like rhubarb pieif you like it, it's wonderful.  But if it's not your thing, go for the coconut cream.  Everyone has a preference and it's okay to say it's not yours.  Don't get guilted into ordering a meal you don't intend to eat.  But hey, adventure can be a wonderful thing...if that's your bag.
  • The man who shows up to a first meeting with his wallet and at least enough money for his own coffee is a definite contender.  And if he buys your coffee, you might have found the Holy Grail!
  • McDonald's can be a good place to meetpublic, clean, cheap in the event he forgot his wallet (this one should be a real strong hint), and if he remembers his wallet but turns out to be a total jerk, there's no guilt associated with a fast exit left.
  • The Walgreens parking lot is NOT a good place to meetpublic, clean, cheap, but just plain weird.
  • The guy whose true height is at least 2 inches shorter than the profile states is either shrinking faster than he can update his profile or he's just flat delusional.  Either way, I'd give this one a pass.
  • Sometimes the real keeper is the man who shows up on time for your first date in full length pants, his hair is combed, he smells good, he isn't smudged or covered in grease, he's not sweating like a whore in churchand if he has ear wax, YOU CAN'T FREAKING SEE IT from across the table!
  • He wants to pick you up at your house for a first meeting, but you suggest a more public location to meet.  If he is offended that you don't trust him enough to let him come to your house, slam-dunk this one.  He's lied about how many axes he has hanging in his garage.
  • If his picture frightens you when you open it, he's probably not your guy.  A friend of mine once told me looks aren't important, so I showed her the last profile picture I'd opened.  She jumped when I opened it and said, "Holy Crap!"  I rest my point.  Looks definitely are NOT everything, but they can be very important in certain circumstances.  Everyone can't be Hugh Jackman, but he should at least have attempted to put his best foot forward.  The old proverbial "A for effort" is important here.
  • The man who spends six months trying to find the state you live in isn't a good bet for making it home every night.
  • Remember, there are lots of gorgeous men out there.  But some of the best advice I ever got was from a very good friend of mine who said, "It's better to be the pretty one."  Sage advice!
  • Beware of the guy whose primary photo is a bevy of dead beavers hugging a tree or him with a rifle and a dead elk.  It's not an issue that he is a hunterI happen to love huntersthe issue is that this is the best picture he has.  Marry this man and you will spend the rest of your life with a singing fish mounted above your television.
  • And last but not leastteeth are important.  Are they clean?  Are they maintained?  Does he have them?  And does he wear them?  Enough said.
Okay, now that you've been through the Kayce Lassiter school of internet dating, either you're armed and ready to go out and try it yourself or you're moving the TV and recliner into your walk-in closet where you intend to spend the rest of your life alone.  Well, I warned you...internet dating definitely is not for the faint of heart.  But for those of us who are eternal optimists, we just know there's one out there for usthe perfect man for me, the one who shows up looking good, smelling good, talking good, with his wallet, his teeth, and his manners.  He visits momma on Mother's Day, he remembers your birthday, he opens doors and pulls out chairs for you, he's honest and caring and repectful and he'd willingly walk from California to New York just to be with you.  Now that's the Happily Ever After I'm talkin' about!

That's my story, twisted but true, and I'm stickin' to it.  Hang on tight now 'cuz we're gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,



  1. Kayce Lassiter, you crack me up! I read your "Do's and Don't" and laughed out loud, startling not only myself, but the dogs, too! And I am thankful I'm not out there in Internet Datingland! Thanks for a great start to my morning (and the warning)! You rock!

  2. Thanks, Marie, but you probably shouldn't laugh out loud at know it only encourages me!

  3. Kayce! I always LOVE hearing about your internet dating fiascos! You know I've had some of my own, but hey are nothing compared to yours! Or maybe you're just braver than I am so that's how you found all this out :) Snicker... Love ya!

    1. Thanks, but not sure it's braver...probably stupider. LOL Thanks for stopping by!

  4. Do I see a book in all this? I hope so!

    1. I've been considering it. The BMG's have been pushing me to do one. I am sure one of my characters will eventually have to do some internet dating. LOL Thanks for sticking your head in!

  5. You are a hoot, Kayce! I love reading your blog posts because you put it all out and aren't afraid to be 'you'! If that doesn't make up some guy's mind to swoop in and carry you away, they'll never know what they're missing. You rock!

    Thanks for making this ill person feel better with your humorous post!

  6. So sorry to hear you are still sick...chicken soup, girl...mainline it! Well, get lots of rest and take care of yourself...hope you are back on your feet soon! Thank you for the kind words. :-)

  7. Kayce, this should be required reading for everyone who's ever thought about internet dating -- I'd love to hear your advice for men!

    Maybe next time? :)

    1. Excellent idea, Laurie...I'll have to give that some thought. Thanks! And thank you for stopping by!

  8. Interesting prospective. Sounds just like a girl I met.

  9. Darn type-o. Perspective was the correct spelling or maybe prospective was appropriate given the subject matter.

  10. LOL Well, in either case, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!

  11. Hey Kayce! Love your internet dating rules! If I were single, I'd probably give 'er a shot, but I put my mom in my place...Last year on Valentines Day I bought my mom a short membership to some dating network. Low and behold, mom wasn't computer savy, so I had to do the "choosing" without her; read applicants to her over the phone of course.
    Anyway, one date decided she was ripe for the pickings and when she declined his quick invitation to his hot tub, he proceeded to send her the bill from dinner and demand she pay her half...she did not make a return trip to internet dating, even though I tried to tell her "they're all not like that!"

    1. WOW! Even I'm stunned at that one. Talk about a total lack of chivalry! I'd advise your mom to keep her money in her wallet. A few less dollars might keep that one off the street and save another poor unsuspecting woman from a miserable date. Where are the dating police when you need them?! You have to wonder if that approach ever works for him. Holy cow...I sure hope not! You tell your mom that I agree and they truly are NOT all like that. I poke fun at the weird or unusual, but I really have met some very nice men online. I'm sorry that was her first adventure out the gate...I can see where it would sour a gal on ever doing it again. Thanks for sorry your mom ran into that!

  12. Thanks for the laughs. I'm just trying to figure out how I landed here? I'm not in the dating market. Hmmm...I would love to see you do this for women, also.

    1. Whatever the method by which you landed here, I'm happy you did. I will have to noodle the man's perspective on this and maybe do a few interviews to see what I can come up with. Good idea! Thanks...and thanks for stopping by.

  13. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT! And you are welcome! I would like to add, if he spends more time shopping and mulling over clothes or shoes than you do, dump him, immediately, it sucks and he won't ever get over it.

  14. LOL You do have a point. But then there is the flipside of that coin and the man who does absolutely NO shopping and spends his life in sweats or cammo's. Sometimes we all have to choose the lesser of the evils. :-)