CHUBBY GIRLS IN PRETTY NECKLACES AND PISSED OFF LONGHORNS.

Hi there!  Good to see ya’all back again.  I haven’t see you since last year!  LOL  Hope your New Year is off to a great start, and I hope you enjoy these silly pet tales.  We’ve all got ‘em, but these are some good ones.

I recently read a story on the internet about a guy who loved cutting his grass with his riding lawn tractor.  He would wave to the neighbors and drink a cold beverage as he worked, and was very proud of his ingenuity. Then one afternoon when he got on the tractor to work, the key was missing from the ignition.  After blaming absolutely everyone in the household for taking the key, he finally gave up and resorted to mowing the yard with the push mower.  This went on for two months before their dog finally dug up the key that she had stolen from the mower and buried.  Good dog!  Could be worse…at least she buried it and didn’t eat it…that’s a whole different return routine that ain’t pretty.

Apparently, the same dog later racked up a large vet bill for the family when she decided to see what fish bait smelled like and she lodged a treble hook inside her nose.  The owner now keeps the very expensive fish hook next to the dog’s picture…and there’s probably a hook on the wall next to it with the tractor key.

Speaking of fish hooks, I have a friend who used to own a gorgeous female Samoyed who decided to see what fish bait tasted like.  Fortunately, my friend lived with a veterinarian, so removing the fish hook from the dog’s throat was free to her.  LOL  Moral of the story…be careful where you leave your hook, you never know who or what you are baiting.  Hmmm…that’s good advice even if you don’t own an animal or fish.  Just sayin…

When my son was a baby, we owned a Basset Hound named Connie who absolutely adored the baby.  One day while I was cooking dinner, I put my son in the baby swing and wound it up.  He loved to swing and would sit for hours in that thing as long as you kept it wound up and swinging.  So I’m cooking away and I hear him giggling up a storm behind me.  So I turn and look and what I see is the baby swinging to and fro in the swing.  Connie has figured out just how far the swing comes forward and she is sitting just at the edge of its path.  The kid comes forward and the dog licks his face.  The kid laughs all the way to the back of the swing’s path and then a he starts to approach the dog again, he closes his eyes and scrunches up his face which earns him another lick.  At the time, I was horrified that the dog was licking the baby on the mouth.  Knowing what I know today (as a grandmother) about the dirt and germs that kids manage to survive, I’d probably stop to take a picture.  I’ve always regretted I didn’t have pictures of that!  What?  It was cute.

Another article I read on the internet was about a Bulldog that got a cat door stuck on her head.  Apparently, she’d seen the love of her life passing outside and was in a hurry to catch up with this male specimen of a dog.  So she barreled into the cat door, which was only large enough to fit her head through it, but not large enough to allow her entire body to pass through—or to allow her to back her head out.  (She was a chubby girl.  So what?  Don’t DIS the BBW!)  So, anyway, when she panicked and pulled, the cat door came out of the wall, and she now wore it like a necklace.  The fire department was called to help get the necklace off the little strumpet, and the family is now waiting to see if she’s in the “family way”. Because, apparently, the love of her life came back to investigate when he heard the noise.  Oh, look, there’s a hole in the wall and a beautiful girl in a pretty necklace!  I think I’ll just go in and have a visit.  It’s always the pretty necklace that gets the girl in trouble, ain’t it?

The story of the Bulldog wearing the cat door reminded me of something I actually saw in my neighborhood.  The people who live behind me have several beautiful longhorns.  They are incredible animals to watch.  Those horns are H-U-G-E, and I always wondered if they ever catch them on anything.  Well, I can tell you now that…YES…they do!  Apparently one of the longhorns decided one day that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence (because it always is)…or maybe he had a hard-to-reach itch and decided the gate would be the perfect place to scratch it.  In any case, what ensued was this poor animal getting those H-U-G-E horns caught in the gate.  Did I mention these longhorns are enormous animals?  Well, they are, and they are incredibly strong because this guy with the stuck horns freaked out and pulled the gate clean off the hinges.  Only his plan didn’t work out so well because he got the gate loose from the fence, but it was now stuck on his head.  How do you get a gate off the horns of a pissed off longhorn?  You don’t.  You wait for the pissed off steer to work it loose and dump it on his own…or until he’s so stinking tired of carting that six-foot gate around with him everywhere he goes that he just lays there while you sneak up on him and work it free.  Don’t worry…the gate did come off the longhorn and the bovine is just fine.  Can’t say the same for the gate.  And it was yet another missed photo op.  I was so fascinated watching that enormous steer with a big gate stuck on his head that it never occurred to me to get a picture.  Dammit!

Well, those are my silly pet stories.  Be sure you grab a cup of coffee and check out the Butterscotch Martini Girls’ Blab on Funniest Pet Stories…there are lots more where these came from.  You can hear all about mothers who buy snakes, zombie onions, peeing puppies, kitties who crap ribbons, cats flossing in all the wrong places, goats picked up for breaking and entering, marshmallow the pig, lap goats, gramma kitty litter, and roof dogs.  You do NOT want to miss this blog!

BMG Blabs

While you're there, check out our other blabs.  I think you will be highly entertained!

Oh, and while I’m sharing…I posted another blog earlier this week over at the Phoenix Publishing and Book Promotion site all about the yearly mammogram that I think you will enjoy.

Phoenix Publishing and Book Promotion

Enjoy your New Year!

That’s my story, silly and petty, and I’m stickin’ to it!  Hang on tight now, ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love Ya,

Kayce

The Duck Commander Lives In My Backyard!

Nope, I’m not blogging about hot young men with scrubby beards who have lots of guns, drive way cool toys, wear camos and gig for frogs…although I may have to consider doing that one day since Duck Dynasty is my new crack.  I just love those guys!  Yeah, I know…go figure…redneck woman, redneck show with handsome redneck men.  What’s not to love?!

Okay, so back to the subject at hand…the Duck Commander.  What I’m talking about here is a duck, a real live honest-to-goodness walking, quacking, pushy, fight-picking duck.  Yes, I did say pushy and fight-picking.  Not what you think of when you think of a duck?  Well, Tubby ain’t your run o’ the mill duck.  We have the Rambo of the duck world.

Wait…before I get into Tubby’s story, I do need to share my sad news first.  Some of you have asked me whatever happened to Scooter, the little baby Mallard duck we rescued earlier this year.  Well, I’m sad to say we lost Scooter when she was about 3 months old.  She suffered some kind of injury to her neck or back and there was nothing we could do to save her.  But she was sweet and cute and fun to watch while we had her…and she did manage to squeeze out 3 more months of life than she would have had if we hadn’t rescued her from the big duck that was intent on killing her.  But before we lost Scooter, we went out and bought her some real live friends to keep her company and while Scooter is no longer with us, I’m happy to say both her little buddies are thriving and this story is about one of Scooter’s little duck friends, Tubby.

Tubby got his not-so-glamorous name because he’s a little piggy duck—a fat black piggy duck.  Tubby is the first to the food dish and the last to leave…and he won’t leave it until the darn thing is E-M-P-T-Y!  In fact, when I go out to feed the horses in the morning, the first thing I hear is Cody neighing at me.  The second thing I hear is Tubby quacking for food.  Now, Tubby isn’t the only duck we have…he has a little duck friend named Sunny and she has vocal cords too, but Tubby must’ve got the upgraded set because that sucker can be heard 5 acres away, while little Sunny is barely more than a faint echo as she waddles along in Tubby’s wake.  Tubby is definitely the alpha duck.

Tubby has another little friend…er…maybe more of a nemesis.  I don’t know, it’s hard to tell if they hate each other or love each other—maybe it’s the proverbial love-hate relationship.  Tubby’s little enemy-friend is a mangy, toothy, so-ugly-he’s-cute, yappy little dog named Skay.  When we got the ducks, we decided to situate the duck pen next to the dog run.  What the hell were we thinking?  I’ll tell you what we were thinking…we were thinking having the dogs close at night would help to keep the coyotes away from the ducks.  Little did we know the ducks would become pure entertainment for little Skay.  The big dogs will sometimes watch the ducks, but could take them or leave them.  Skay, on the other hand, sits in front of the duck pen for hours on end, watching the ducks and barking at them.  (Good thing we don’t have many neighbors and the ones we do have think it’s cute.)  It’s like duck-TV for the little dog…sort of Skay’s version of Duck Dynasty.”

 

Now, you’d think having a dog running incessantly along the fence line barking at you would make you tremendously nervous if you were a duck, but you would be sorely mistaken.  Because our rotund black piggy duck, Tubby, has become very cocky and has taken to taunting the dog.  He takes every opportunity to strut along the fence line like he doesn’t have a care in the world.  In fact, if he had opposable thumbs, I’m pretty sure he’d be thumbing his nose at the dog because he seems to enjoy the incessant barking.  It’s probably some childhood trauma-induced neurosis that occurs in ducklings who are taken away from their mothers too young.  Or perhaps he gets bored and thinks, “Hey, I’m gonna go get the dog spun up…that’ll be fun!”  Who knows?  But it doesn’t end there. 

Tubby’s latest antics include actually attacking the dog, but it’s not an overt blatant attack…more of a sneak attack, sort of a sucker punch.  Tubby will stand at the fence, with his beak right up to the chicken wire we stretched along the fence to keep the dogs from reaching through.  So, he stands there with his beak just out of Skay’s range and stares at the dog while Skay goes berserk barking.  The dog lunges, the duck never flinches, never blinks…he’s the bad-ass of the duck world.  He just sits and stares at the dog, just barely out of reach.  The minute the dog stops barking to take a breath as he’s almost nose to nose with the duck, Tubby whacks him on the tip of the nose with his beek…just a quick hit, in and out, fast like a ninja.  As you can well imagine, this just drives Skay absolutely bonkers and you can almost see the duck smile as the dog escalates into a frenzy just short of foaming at the mouth.  This can go on for hours and it’s hysterical to watch if you’re not trying to enjoy a quiet afternoon on the patio.  LOL

And that’s not the only trick Tubby does.  Yesterday I was outside doing something in the backyard.  The duck and the dog were both enjoying some quiet time, as was I.  But when my neighbor came through the gate and started talking to me, the damn duck began to quack like someone had wound him up.  I knew he’d already been fed, so no reason for it in the middle of the day…what the hell?  

Well, just as a little backstory…my neighbor helps out around the place.  She makes a little extra spending money by helping with the yard work and some general maintenance stuff around the place.  So for her to be in my yard is a very common thing.  In fact, we had a gate installed between the two backyards to make it easier for us to come and go.  Sometimes I will actually find her cat sitting at my door meowing because she has lost her mom and thinks she’s in my house.  It’s quite the neighborhood! 

Anyway, the neighbor and I are standing in the backyard talking and this duck goes off like an air raid siren.  He is quacking for all he’s worth and staring at us…and Tubby is damn hard to ignore when he’s in serious quacking mode.  I commented that I didn’t know what the hell that duck’s problem was and the neighbor laughed and said, “Oh, I know what he wants.  You mean you don’t know your own duck?”  Huh?  She says, “Come on, I’ll show you.”  So I follow her over to the duck pen where she turns the hose on and puts it thru the fence so it is filling the area around the bushes that are in the duck pen…and I’ll be damned if that chubby black duck doesn’t waddle very quickly over to the running water and start digging for worms.  Really?  Apparently, my neighbor is now teaching our obnoxious attack duck to quack real loud when he thinks it’s time for you to come turn the water on so he can forage for worms…the Duck Commander.

I’d like to tell you a story about Sunny too, but I don’t really have any.  She’s a cute beige colored duck with absofreakinglutely no personality.  She just follows Tubby around like a sweet little shadow.  However, I did actually see her standing at the fence taunting Skay the other day.  Monkey see, monkey do.  She ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it appears she’s picked up at least one trick from her paunchy black sidekick.

So, that’s the end of my duck tale…that’s my story, dizzy and ducky, and I’m stickin’ to it.  Hang on tight now ‘cuz we’re gonna go real, real fast!

Love ya,

Kayce